Just because a woman doesn't love her stepchild as if she's her own doesn't mean she's going to treat her like Cinderella.
Technology wasn’t working for Heather and me the day I was a guest on The Stepmom Connection. Because the archived video only included my audio, we decided to cross blog the topics, so you could get in on the conversation too. Be sure to check out the companion post on Cafe Smom.
The first taboo topic we discussed was: “I fell in love with my husband, not my stepkids”.
When I was at the height of my frustration with being a stepmom, I read Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin. I came across this sentence and quickly wrote it in my journal with the words “LIBERATING TRUTH” right by it: “Many of us can’t feel maternal towards our stepchildren. While we did indeed choose a man with children, it would disingenuous to pretend we chose the kids. We chose HIM, they came on the side.” Finally. Someone said what I’d been guilty about feeling.
A few weeks later, friend on Facebook posted that having a stepfamily was hard on her marriage. It was right after I had read Stepmonster (and I was feeling very empowered) and I commented on her post by saying, “During times like this, that I have remember that I fell in love with my husband, not with his kids. Take care of your relationship first.” Within 10 minutes, I got slammed to the mat by a soon-to-be stepfather. He asked how I could NOT love my stepchildren since they were part of the package? He loved his soon-to-be stepdaughter and couldn’t imagine marrying her mother if he didn’t love her like his own. He told me I was an awful person; a cold, heartless shrew. It’s exactly that kind of thinking and criticism that keeps stepmothers silent.
Let me say this out loud: If you don’t love your stepchildren, you are not defective. There is nothing wrong with you. If you’re a stepmom that felt maternal love towards her children right away, count yourself as lucky because for the rest of us, it takes time and for some of us, it never happens. And for all of you that are shocked by that, please know that just because we don’t love our stepkids doesn’t mean that we aren’t going to do right by them. Get the images of Cinderella out of your mind, ‘cause it’s just not gonna happen.
What makes things even more confusing is if you’re also a biomom. You may not love your stepchildren as much or in the same way as you do your own biological children and that’s okay. It may come with time, or it may never come at all, and that’s okay too! I remember the first time I told DH “I don’t love your kids like I love mine and I might never.” Instead of being judgmental or getting upset, he said, “That’s okay, give it some time.” While my relationship with my stepdaughters continues to grow and evolve, I still don’t love them like I love my biokids. I continued to feel guilty about it until someone said to me, “So what if you don’t love them like they’re your kids? Are they expected to love you like they love their mom?” No, they aren’t and it would be wrong if they did.
If you don’t love your stepkids, give yourself some time and some grace and adjust your expectations. One of the stepmoms in the chat room said, “Let the relationship evolve organically.” It may happen. It may not. But you’ll need to deal with whatever emotions or relationship that evolves.
How do you feel about your stepkids? If you don’t love them like they’re your own, have you ever admitted it? What was the reaction of the person you told? If you do love your stepkids as if they’re your biokids, what do you think of women that don’t?
When it comes this topic, I’m extra-glad that I don’t have my own children. I can see how this would complicate matters. But because I don’t have kids, my maternal “instincts” are moreso stimulated by the presence of BF’s sons. That being said, I have different relationships with each of them- the level of connection isn’t the same and I doubt it ever will be. And I’m OK with that.
I do love the kids, but if I didn’t, that would be OK too. I think. From my perspective, I respect them as fellow human beings and I accept the fact that they are Boyfriend’s children. I hope that, regardless of the presence (or lack thereof) of the L-word, they will in turn respect and accept me in the same manner.
What a refreshing article! It’s so nice to stop the sugar-coating and just be honest. It’s more difficult than people realize to automatically love stepchildren in the same way as your biokids…and even more difficult when the step-child makes it harder on you to love them. After 5 years with my husband, I have yet to bring myself to feel a genuine love for my 9 yr old stepdaughter. From the day I met her, it was apparent she had many many behavioral problems and issues. Her mom is a convicted felon, who was arrested for 3 counts of felony fraud on 3 different people (stealing over $20,000 from each person, including MY husband before they were married!) She also had several run-ins with the law for shoplifting on a military base plus several unpaid loans. Her 2 other ex-husbands have both stated that they left her because she just cannot stop lying and cannot be trusted with even the simplest things. Clearly, my stepdaughter’s mom is a serious pathological liar, thief, and master manipulator. At 41 yrs old, she finally lost everything and was forced to move in with her brother and his new wife, while they pay the retribution for her crimes to prevent her from going to jail! She has only visited my stepdaughter a total of 10 days in 2 years and sends no birthday or Christmas gifts. My stepdaughter had a horrible example up to age 7, as she lived with that person full-time for the first 7 years of her life (DH was away a lot on military deployments.) We finally had to take her and are now raising her full-time. Needless to say, manipulation, lying, and cheating are second nature to her, making it extremely difficult to connect with her, although I’ve tried and tried for years. She treats my DH (her dad) terribly…screams at him daily and lies to him over things other kids have no reason to lie about. I hate hearing her try to manipulate him. Watching her treat him bad makes it even harder for me to love her because I know how much he gave up and sacrificed to save her from her mom. He even bailed her mom out the first time by paying the $45,000 she frauded on someone else’s credit card. He lost his entire retirement savings to that because he didn’t want his daughter to have her mom in jail. There’s a lot of negative history as to how he and I came to be responsible for this child and I have been letting guilt eat me alive because I can’t love someone who exhibits so many similarities to her criminal mom and whose behavior constantly diminishes our own family dynamics. I’m living in fear most of the time, wondering what behavioral problems will cause serious pain to us.
I’m in the exact situation you are. I dont know what to do. I also do not have any love for my stepdaughter. It’s really hard to try and love someone you dont like. Its her behavior thats turns my stomach every day. She is very rude, she lies every time her mouth opens, her demeanor is horrible, She thinks shes better than thou, and she will deceive you any chance she gets. We can not trust her. She speaks very badly to people about her father and i. And her dad doesn’t do a whole lot about it. I believe he allows it because he fills guilty. Her mother is a horrible person. She lost custody of her four children. Just the one is my husbands. But she is exactly like her. And even when i new her mother before my husband i got together (i did not like her). So its hard to like sd when she’s just like her Mom. She now has been with us for two yrs, it has been the worst two yrs of my life. She was ten when we got custody. Now twelve, and everything seems to be getting worse. My husband and I fight all the time about her. I have a 22yr old daughter who was a blessing, never any problems. But her father and I were very strict. We divorced when she was three yrs old. And she was always a good child. Im very proud of her today. So its hard for me to just sit back and watch whats going on in our house. But thats what i do. Im glad to have read your story and know im not the only one feeling this way:) I pray everyday for a change. I love my husband, but im loosing patience. Im also worried about whats next Shes a very dark child. She writes some crazy stuff on paper. Im concerned she might try to do something to us in our sleep! My brain just does not stop thinking about whats next!!!!
Wow! I’m so relieved by finding this. I’m not married, and do not plan to do so any time soon, but I am a bio mom of 2 & my boyfriend has a daughter. Before I met this child, my boyfriend painted a picture of her that is only real in his mind. He told me his daughter was great, a beautiful person who “wanted to save the world”. Then the day came for me to meet this child, only to find she is the most disrespectful, confrontational and annoying child I’ve ever met. My children can be terrible because I am not a blind mother, but they respect adults and other ppl. They share with other kids. This child comes to my house and does not let my daughter play with her own toys. I honestly want nothing to do with this girl. I do feel bad because my boyfriend is an amazing man, but this is affecting how I feel. I’ve been a single mom for my 2 children and I feel I shouldn’t have to deal with more headaches….if only he hadn’t painted such a prefect picture if her…..
“This child comes to my house and does not let my daughter play with her own toys.” There are many other stepmothers who have shared similar sentiments of their biochildren being made to feel like outsiders in their own homes. I’ve heard instances of bullying and even physical violence by stepchildren towards biochildren in the place that the biochild is supposed to feel safe—his or her own home. Because of that, many stepmothers and their husbands spend custodial weekends apart in order to protect their biokids. It’s definitely an issue.
yes, but do you think about how THEY feel. and you say the biochildrens home, well why isnt it considered the stepchilds home as well, get over yourselfs and don’t get with someone who has kids if you can’t handle it.
In the two cases that I know of in particular, the biokids don’t have another home to go to. In one case the other parent is deceased, in the other, the parent is uninvolved, so it IS the biochilds primary home. Is it the stepchild’s home as well? Of course it is. But I guess the question I have for you is, how much bullying and/or violence are you willing to tolerate between stepsiblings? I don’t think it’s a matter of getting over yourself or not being able to handle it. In fact, I think these two stepmothers handle the very touchy situation quite well. i don’t know about you, but I’m not willing to have my child bullied or assaulted outside or inside my home.
You asked if stepmoms think about how the stepchildren feel. I’m sure they do. I’d like to take it a step further and ask what drives a child to bully an autistic stepsibling? What makes a 9-year old girl beat her 8-year old stepsister’s head against the floor and send her to the ER with a concussion? Would I like to know how those children feel and what leads them to violence against their stepsiblings? Yes, I would. I know that if that happened in my home, I wouldn’t allow that kind of violence, regardless of the fact that the perpetrators are my husband’s children.
Do you have another solution for dealing with bullying and violence between stepsiblings? It isn’t as easy as “don’t get with someone who has kids if you can’t handle it.” I’d love to hear any suggestions that you might have.
I have not had the privilege of meeting my stepdaughter. Mom is keepin her brothers & me at bay (re-unification after 3yr separation. Mom kept husband from obtaining parental rights. Mom is controlling & manipulative~ emails & texts speak, not just speculations… dad & daughter(5) bonded & ready to move on to next phase-leaving house & meeting us – mom won’t allow it although court order states he can take her out when comfort level of child is reached. Mom didn’t tell her about husband being married & having kids, making him ask her before he tells daughter about her brothers). Anyway, I imagine in time I will love her. I won’t love her like I love my boys, but I will nonetheless. She is my husband’s child & our son’s sister. If I don’t feel that love, the good thing is my husband will understand. I know its going to be hard to even be her friend because of how things are now with mom, let alone a authority figure. She’s only 5 so its hard to say. I know not being able to meet her until mom says so is not sitting well with me & its causing me to be resentful. So I’m hoping this ends before its “over before it begins.”
One of the things my youngest stepson said to me was “you have to love me.”
I asked him why. He told me that I had to because he was part of the package deal with his dad.
I very calmly and tactfully told him that I loved his dad to the moon and back but loving someone is a choice not a “have to.” I told Junior that loving him was a choice I made every day and that some days were easier than others. I also told him that just because he was his dad’s son didn’t mean I “had to” love him.
I did not expect or demand that my husband love my two daughters any more than he expected or demanded that I love his four children. When we got married, our goal was polite civility and respect. We were fortunate – our nearly adult kids genuinely liked each other and still do. When all six kids, spouses and now grand children descend upon our home, it’s a beautiful thing.
As Wallace D. Wattles states so brilliantly in “Winning Love” – we are under no moral obligation to love another.
Can’t wait for PART II….
I lvoed reading this! Just get it all out there! Why hide our feelings. I can say that I love two out of three SD’s. I can even say I love them almost as much as my own. However, I cannot say that about the oldest one. Hell no. Then again she has never let me in. When she was younger she used to say I favoured my two bio over her. Yet she didn’t love me like she loved her mom. But I was expected to love her like mine? unconditionally? When at the same time she did whatever she could to ruin any relationship I tried to have with her?When she didn’t love ME unconditionally? Now we are plesant for her dad’s sake and really that is all. Half the time I like her and half the time I totally cannot stand her. She irritates me. and I irritate her. I am okay with it since we both know how each other feels. We have moved on and deal with it. I do hope for the best for her in life, as I would not wish ill on anyone and would want to see her thrive and do her best as a young adult (she is now 19). I totally loved this post as I can relate. Problem is that her and my problems had caused a TON of issues with my husband and I in the past. We have moved on but sometimes it still hurts.
i fell in love with my partner not his child i care for her.but not the same as my own why do some people think that we should love our stepchild more then a child that grew inside us we felt them move we gave birth too them its totally diffrent love am i wrong for admiting that?
No, I do not love my stepchildren. I do, however, love their father very much. They have made it very difficult to love them, so I really don’t feel guilty or badly for not loving them.
Ahhh…it feels good to get that off my chest!
I do love my step children. I don’t know if i can say I love one more than the other, but I love them differently thats for sure! (the oldest make it a lot harder) However, I want kids of my own and I feel like the love I have with my step kids it’s not the same unconditional love I really want to share. I sometimes feel my husband doesn’t understand that I don’t recieve the same love from his children that he does. But i also worry about introducing a new baby into the family, how it will affect my stepkids and change the dynamic of our family.
I don’t buy that whole argument that Johnny McSlammer laid on you.
I’m one who believes in a number of things with regard to step-children:
1 – It is possible to love them. I believe you can love them right up to the difference between having a biological connection and not.
2 – I believe it’s possible for some people to love them “just like they were their own.”
3 – I believe there is a difference between “loving” someone and “caring” about someone. I believe that it’s possible to have a good relationship with your new partner without “loving” your step-children. I don’t believe it’s possible to do so without “caring about” your step-children and their health and well-being.
4 – I believe it’s also possible to think a whole lot less of your step-children than anyone might be ever willing to openly admit!
I thought I was the only one. I love my husband, but I don’t think there will ever be a day that I truly love his 2 girls. I have no connection With them what so ever. I’m glad when they go back to their mothers house and my husband, son and I can go back to our normal way of life. It seems like they completely disrupt our daily flow of things.
I TOTALLY feel the same about my stepdaughter! Holy. You nailed it right no the head. I am totally happy when Monday morning rolls around & she goes back to her mom’s & I can move on with our lives!
I 100% feel the same way you do!
And same again here…!
I have just started reviewing your site (came here via Lee Block/Post-Divorce Chronicles), and I wanted to ask a question from the other side of the equation.
I’m a biomom whose children are being “consumed” into a new family unit with my ex, his very overbearing wife and her own two children. They are so fixated on the concept of creating a family together — by blending her kids and his/my kids — that it has been the source of serious concerns for me for the past few years. My concern arises from this: She constantly talks about how she loves my children JUST AS MUCH as she loves her own. But this “love” is revealing itself in disconcerting/creepy ways, almost to the extent of seemingly trying to replace me as the mother (removing reminders of me, like when my daughter and I paint our nails together to match and stepmom removes it; changing physcial appearance, like taking my daughter to get a hair cut to match step mom’s hair WITHOUT my permission; stepmom calling my children “her” children in every public setting possible, including her own blog, etc.).
I am only a biomom…not a stepmom too. But I do have a boyfriend with his own kids, and I can honestly say that I know I have the capacity to love another person’s children. But as a biomom, how can anyone ever love another person’s children as much as you love your own? There is a special place reserved in my heart forever for my own kids, and I cannot imagine it being any other way.
And by the way, I do not have deep-seated insecurities about being replaced — I know my children know who their mother is, and I’m totally confident in my role. It’s just hard to sit back and watch as this manipulative game is playing out.
I have tons of respect for step moms, but I do feel there’s a “right way” and a “wrong way” to do it. Trying to force love and reveal it as being “just as much as” the love you feel for your own children — this just doesn’t seem right. Am I mistaken?
I have enjoyed reading everyone’s posts and I hope that I don’t get to badly critized for what I’m about to write. I’ve been with my husband for 9 years and we have been married for 2. When I met him he informed me he had a son. I never met his son the first year we were together. I found out he had tons of child support debt which now that I am in charge of the finances has been paid off. After the first year we were together I would insist that my husband see his son. I would encourage him to do so……So from year 2 – 4 he would see him every other month for a couple of hours. I was in college at this time and I never really thought much about us being together long term. I was to focused on my graduating and getting a job, becoming established in life. So now we are onto year 5…..we moved into together were engaged two years later and married on year 7. Now we have been together for 9 total : ) I have to be honest…..my husband never seemed to take interest in the fact he had a child unless I made him, my husbands mother would bring him over, or my husbands family would get together and someone would pick the child up so he would be included in the family function. I also have to say that I dislike he has a child. I use to not, but once we moved in together and then got engaged and now married I truly hate it. The son is now 16 years old almost 17. We have no realationship at all. I’m ok with that. I married my husband not his child. I love how our life is. He’s never around but when he does come around I get very annoyed . I honestly see him about 5 times a year. My husband says that he sees him all the time, but I know that he’s lying and he only says it to make himself feel better. We plan on having kids soon and I really don’t want his child to start effecting our life when we do. i feel like a horrible person sayiny all of this, but it’s the way I feel. I’ve gone to therapy for this exact situation but it has not helped . i will literally go weeks without remembering he has a child, and then when I do remember or I know I have to see him at a family function I was to throw up. I have to take anxiety pills to get through it. I read all your posts and I feel lucky in the fact that I’ve never had to deal with him living with us, having him around every other weekend or even honestly seeing him more than 5 times a year. I just wish the situation would go away. I’ve recenlty heard the son might go into the military after high school. I really hope that he does so he will be far away. I know it’s hard to believe but I really am a good person. Constantly doing things for others, throwing parties for people, I just can’t accept this.
I applaud your courage to say how you feel. There are many stepmoms just like you that don’t like their stepchildren, don’t want to have a relationship with them, have no maternal feelings for them, etc. It sounds as though you would benefit from a support system to get you through visits and family functions anxiety-free. Do you know other stepmoms???
Hi BioStep -
Thank you for your response to my message. I have a best friend who is a stepmom but she also has 3 children of her own from other marraiges. I have many friends that are are divorced who have children and are dating men with children. I feel like they have to almost accept their boyfriends kids since they have their own. I came into this situation with no children, and never had any interaction with his child. I can honestly say I have probably been around his kid 20 times in 9 years, and that is the truth. I’m ok with that. I have never considered myself a step mom and still don’t to this day. I know in my heart that I will never love him, accept him, or want anything to do with him. I want my own children with my husband and for us to have our own family wihtout interuptions from . I sounds like such a horrible person saying all this.
The dynamics are different in every family. When it comes to steplife, one size does not fit all. Just as a word of advice, your husband may take issue with you totally rejecting his son. Afterall, they share DNA. It sounds as though they have a distant relationship, but when you do encounter your husband’s son, put your best foot forward and treat him with the same common courtesy that you would treat your friends or even strangers. No one says that you have to have a relationship with him, but at some point you’ll have to come to terms with the fact that he exists and will be in your lives (although sparingly) for the rest of your life.
Oh my god can I can relate to you. My husband and I havr been married for 2months and have been together for 1yr n a half. At first wen we started dating I thought nothing of it for the fact that I also did not expect to get married and stuff I wad only 20 nw 21 but things jst happened. Any who he also did not show any interest in trying to see his children, he has three a 7, 3, 3 yr old from different mothers, but has only met one 3yr old daughter the other two moms didnt want him in the babies lives if he didnt married them which is stupid. My point is I would always tell him to ask if he could see his daughter, to call and see if she needs anything he would do it only after id tell him or his mother or his sister which they have no business I think because they were the ones that would call the babies mom and all this not him.. but dats a diff story. But now I dnt tell him to try n seee her or anything I try to avoid all this. Today he went and picked her up I still have not seen her since im at work but I got so annoyed wen he told me he had picked her up and she was going to stay the night and maybe even for new years .uuh in my head hell no im tryn to have fun and go out on new years not stay home and take care of a child dats not mine!!!! Then he calls me again and tells me the babies mom told him shes glad that the babie is happy when she comes over and that she knows im good to her because she said, ” I want to go to my daddy and mommys house” meaning me calling me mommy!?? This whole cituation is f up.
I love babies dnt get me wrng n everything is fine untill I remember again that she is not mine that she is my husbands and some other womans kid not mine I begin to feel jelousy.. I hope ppl dnt hate me for it but as much as I try I just cant help it.
You ARE lucky. I don’t want kids – never did. My husband and I have been married 3 years. My SD now lives with us; her mom basically said, “I’m done, now you take her.” Not good. I’m pretending everything is okay, but this is hard on me and our marriage. I should have seriously considered this possibility before we got married. I don’t know how, but it never really occurred to me. If any of them had lived with him when we met, I would not have even dated him. I guess that should have clued me in. Live and learn.
So true. No kids of my own and the exact same situation here except my husband works away. So when the bio-mom figured she was done being a mom, I became an insta-single parent. It didn’t work out so well and after a year & a half of struggling with lying, stealing, peeing in vents, ect, I asked my husband to come home and stay home for a bit. He’s been home for 5 months and he is on his way back out to work. Not only did I have a troubled kid to try and deal with, I had a miserable husband. Funny how it’s always the people who didn’t ask for such situations, are the ones that have to suck it up. Good luck to you Anna!
Anna, All three of my step-children live with me. Same situation but the youngest two (15 and 17) were dumped at my house this past year. I do not want them there and my life is a living hell. My husband acts like I’m some sort of monster because I expect them to behave a certain way while he does discipline when he feels like it and on his terms. My life sucks ass and I hate all four of these people who are supposed to be my “family”.
Please don’t hate me
The few times I am around my husband’s son is at family events such as xmas, thanksgiving, his son’s b-day etc. My husbands family in the last year has began to question on why we never do things all together. I’ve talked to my husbands mother on how I feel and why. I know it’s not right and I know that all families come in different sizes and have different situations. I just always pictures myself with a loving man who only had me in his life. Starting a family together with no other interuptions from past events. I know life is not perfect, but I like to perceive it like that in my head. I try to be courtesy to his son, but it’s hard for me even to see him. I don’t feel like I’m being mean but I know his son thinks that I hate him….which I do not. I just have issues with the situation. It’s hard for me to accept that he will be part of our life forever. I think I might have mentioned that I’ve recently heard his son is planning on enrolling in the military. To be honest I hope he does. I hate feeling like this, I really do.
Lulu, my situation is very similar to yours and I feel exactly the same way you do. I do not have any kids and I hate the fact that my husband has a son. I dread the weekends that he will be at our house, which luckily for me as he gets older is happening less and less. I also feel guilty for feeling this way, but I cannot help it. I have been with my husband for 7 years now and the feeling just gets stronger as the years go by, it’s not getting any better. I do not treat him bad, I know he did not ask to be brought into this situation, but I will be glad when he is grown so we can move on with our lives!
I very much feel the same way you do. I wish it could change but it doesn’t. Unfortunately she’s not old enough to start pick/choosing if she wants to come over but I’m hoping she’ll get bored of coming by & start moving on with her life & come for visits less frequently.
How sucky is that eh?
I don’t like my step-children at all. I feel uncomfortable around them and I don’t know what to do. We don’t live together and I’m always tense and worried before they arrive and relieved when they go home. We live with my biological children and part of the problem comes from my resentment about the lack of effort made by my husband to bond with my children. He remained distant for quite some time, and was only in a good mood when his children were around. I can’t get past this resentment and it contributes to the reason why I simply resent his children. I wonder how long it will take me to get past this. If anyone has any advice, it would be most welcom.
I have been married for 2 years and 2 months, knew my husband for 2years before we got hitched. I moved from uk to usa, only to be confronted by having his son live with us fulltime. I really wasnt ready to be a step mom. everything has been about him from the get go, we have never had a honeymoon period, from fighting about the childsupport,custody issues. to the idiot-dragged-up-bio-mother coming around to our house screaming that we had kidnapped her son, i”m just over the whole situation. now he has full physical custody, but this idiot woman is still around ( they barely knew each other when they were in a relationship, then she got knocked up) I just wish he would go away for a few months so we could get our rhythm back, as it is our marriage is suffering. he is a good kid, but i have absolutely nothing in common with him, when i look at him I see his mothers face, her deceitfulness and laziness. at 12 years old he is apathetic, lazy and just annoying. its harder for me too because i want to have my own kids, i often resent the fact that it seems like hubby puts more effort into the son from the “crazy idiot” than he does to getting pregnant. there’s so much resentment building up, its hard to know how to cut through it. i do not love this child, i have even spoken to the child saying that its a relationship that will have to be worked on, which will evolve. i am very honest with my husband that i do not love him, that i may never, but i wish him the best. my hubby has a huge heart, he even took on this womans other child as his own, however i always point out to him thats easy because she was 2 or three and cute as a button, try that with a 12 year old. I’m over the whole step parent thing, truly.
I am so relieved i found this site! I honestly thought i was the only horrible person in the world that absolutely can’t wait until my five year old step daughter goes back to her mom’s house! I am very nice to her, i try to play with her and take her places. I just don’t know what the problem is. She just aggravates me and when she is around my husband babies her and lets her whine, scream, jump on the furniture, etc. I dont dont have any children of my own, but i want a baby so badly it makes me sick and my husband doesn’t want one yet. Maybe i am just jealous, but it makes me sick hearing him always tell her that he was the first one to touch her when she was born even though she was in mommy’s belly… ugh! it really bothers me to hear all this stuff when im not allowed to have one of my own. If i was to ever tell him that i didn’t love her he would probably divorce me. I have and would NEVER be mean or hateful to her, but no, i don’t want to play video games all the time, i don’t want to make brownies and i dont want to play rock paper scissor! Shew, didn’t realize it could feel so good to get it off my chest and know that im not the only one that isn’t madly in love with thier stepchild! Im sure i’ll be posting again soon
HAHA! I know how you feel. I am the same as you. I love it when there is a week & half where it’s just my hubby & I….I don’t always know what it is either but I’m not a fan of hers. She’s alright & some days I like her a lot & other days I can’t stand to be around her. She gets in my way & I like it when we can move on with our normal life
I feel the same way about BF’s three young kids. They’re whiny and he always babies them.
No, I do not love my soon to be steps. I barely know them as BF has EOW custody. I get along easier with his son and I can relate with him because I have a bio-son. I do not like to be around his 9 yr. old daughter at all for many different reasons. I will babysit them on occasion when he works over time and I will make sure the kids are fed and taken care of and have activities to do, but I don’t enjoy it. In fact, I really feel like if he isn’t available to see his kids on their weekend, then they really should stay at their moms or go to their grandmothers’. I think alot of how I feel stems from this—My son is 14 and I have spent the last 14 years making him a priority. Now that he is more independent, I feel like its time to stop putting what I want on the back burner. I want to finish my degree, I want to relax on the weekends and do what I want to do, visit friends, get pedicures, see the movies I want to see……my time for little kid stuff is over. His kids have a great mom and step dad and they do lots of fun stuff. They don’t miss out on anything that kids should experience. So, no I don’t feel the need to step in blaze Super Stepmom.
Listen guys, I work in early childhood ed and I can tell you that children just want to be accepted and cared for. It’s A LOT OF HARD WORK. It’s a lot of time and effort invested to develop a real, lasting RELATIONSHIP with a child. Children do not know who to trust and who is safe. You need to start working on gaining their trust. Family is family – and you are stuck with them whether you wanted it or not. And you are stuck with them for life, so you better start trying earnestly to make it work. If you want a successful home life, you NEED to treat EVERYONE like family. Nobody can be separated from this category. You can’t just “divorce” a kid because you don’t like other peoples kids being in your care. Your behavior is like a “shout” in the home because you are a “parent”. Did you think that you were marrying into a family so that you could become another child or sibling? I’m sorry, but as a co-authority in the home, the children will never see you as a sister. That’s just gross. Children react off of your behavior. If they feel you are not interested in them, they will immediately know something is wrong. You have to work at it. You should show the kids you are genuinely interested in them by taking them out individually on your own without your husband and getting to know them, and bonding over good times. That’s how relationships and trust is built.
I strenuously disagree that we step parents have to take out our skid/skids. Too often, I have known step parents that put enormous effort into skids that summarily rejected them later, ie: when they were teenagers. I’m not all that “interested” in my skid, I am an authority figure in the household – nothing more or less. I cannot nor would I even want to replace his (horrid) mother. I make sure he looks after his teeth and eats healthy – but the hugs/kisses and mothering are for my son, as it should be. I am not my skid’s mother – he already has a Mom. I, like the others, relish when my skid goes back to biomom’s.
I have been with my partner for Four years now, we have had a turbulent relationship, and sadly I find myself unable to open up to him in ways I should. He has a 9year old son who has a lot of issues as his mother put him into care when he was a baby. My partner has full custody of the child so I am around his son every minute of every day. For so long I felt I was abnormal for not being able to love his son. Sometimes his son just irritates me and I find myself depressed during the day and happy when its finally his bed time. I have really tried to open up to my partner about it, but he does not understand, he blames me. I do try and make an effort with his son, I take him to parks, swimming, fun-fares and often buy him gifts to compensate for the way I feel towards him. He is often quite cocky and rude to me, this behaviour has improved over the years. I often find it frustrating not being able to snap at the child the same way his dad does, simply because I am always reminded I have not got the right. Im always in battle with my conflicting emotions, sometimes I try to like him (but our bonding time together often feels contrived) and other times he irritates the hell out of me and I start to realise that i do not love him and I may never love him. I really do love my partner and one day in the future I would like to have children with him, however his son creates anxiety around this dream of mine. My partners son is consumed with jealousy whenever he is around babies or younger children, when he is around babies his whole persona changes, he becomes rigid as if he is consumed with hostility. I have often caught him doing spiteful things to babies behind adults backs, like once he threw a ball at my friends 2yr old daughters head. It worries me, because I know that if I was to have a child, although my partners son would be the step brother to my child, I would not trust him around MY baby. I tried telling my partner about my concerns regarding his sons strange behaviour around babies but he said I was the one in the wrong. He became offended and said I had no right and his son was normal. His son is not normal, all of my friends often say he comes across rude when they meet him and he is spiteful to their babies. I just feel like i’m step mum to a devil child at times, or maybe i’m the horrible one for not being capable of loving him.
Do you know what kind of life you are creating for a child if you don’t love them and you’re marrying their parent?! Under NO circumstances should anyone marry someone with children if they don’t love the kids! And anyone that knows their spouse doesn’t love their child and marries any way doesn’t love their child to begin with. You cannot be in love with someone if you don’t love their kids. Its just not possible if they are a fit and involved parent. I’ve gone through a lifetime of a stepparent who doesn’t love me and I would never subject a child to it. It is a horrible, sick, selfish thing to do to a child and you certainly should NOT be advocating it.
Sasha your comment is exactly why this is a taboo topic. It sounds like you had a bad experience with your stepparent. I am in no way advocating that if you don’t like your stepkids, you let it be known to the child/children. My point is that if you don’t love the kids right away or if you don’t love them like they’re your own, you are not defective as a person. I believe in love at first sight (like the first time you look at your baby) and I believe that love can develop over time (like in the case of stepchildren).
Conversely, some stepchildren make it known QUITE LOUDLY that they hate/dislike their stepmother. The stepmother may be showering her stepchild with love, only to have it rejected time and time again. In that case, would you say that the couple shouldn’t get married because the child doesn’t like the stepparent?
I’m sorry your step parent was not kind to you. I do not think it is correct that we must love the man’s other children in order to be in a relationship with him. Do we have to love his parents? His siblings? It does not make sense. We can CARE about our skids without having to love them. I *care* about my skid but I do not love him. I do not have the same feeling toward him that I do towards the son I have with my DH. Not even close to being in the same ballpark. I think it would be wrong if I did. *IF* I was to adopt a child, that would be different. I would be their mother.
I don’t believe that you should not get married to someone if you don’t love their child. My husband has very little to do with his son and I”m ok with that. I married my husband not his child and I don’t feel guilty about that. My husband is aware of how I feel and although it has caused resentment and arguments from time to time we get through it. When my husband finds the time to spend with his son he doesn’t alone. I honestly dont’ want any part of it. The holidays are now approaching which gives me anxiety attacks on the thought of us all having to be together at my husband’s mother’s house. It’s not an all day event, and we don’t even pick his kid up or take him home nor does he actually have xmas at our house, I just feel so uncomfortable around him and wish my husband didn’t have a child. I know how hard this is to read and I know how selfish it makes me sound. I just have always had a hard time excepting his child and really don’t even think I will. writing on this blog has helped me cope better when the holidays come around . It’s so nice to vent and I do appreciate everyone listening and giving advice even when you don’t agree on the way I feel.
dont at all feel bad for feeling that way its not yr child understandable.i have a sd i know these feelings of resentment.especially being a woman its even harder as we are the ones who give birth.you dont have to love his child i dont love my sd i care for her but i do not love her like i do my own children and if anyone expected me to love my sd like my own children i carried inside my body and gave birth too to me they are selfish and expect way too much from me.i care for my sd but love i do not feel.
Love is a choice not a feeling, this is why feelings of love are often not instantly there when you first meet or live with your stepchildren, it grows out of actions, time, special moments, bonding, memories and sometimes the very, very small things. Sometimes love does not come at all in the way others expect us to love our stepchildren, but we love them or care for them in our own way and that is okay.
I would predict if you surveyed most Stepmothers there was not instant love for their stepchildren and many may be struggling with it years later, many Stepmothers I know feel incredibly guilty, angry at themselves and even very sad that the love just won’t come sometimes. Those who have very very difficult, aggressive, mean and nasty stepchildren will find it very hard at times to feel loving. But you can care for a child, be kind to a child, create security for a child without necessarily loving that child as if they were your own.
Let’s face it there are biological mothers out there who love their children to bits and there are those that don’t and are hateful and horrid. Personally? I would rather have a Stepmother who was kind and caring, there for me through everything, patient with me who perhaps did not “love” me in a maternal sense over a biological mother who had no time for me, was mean to me, yelled at me, ignored me, criticised me but every day told me how much she loved me. As I said, love is action not feelings. Bravo for writing what many think but don’t say. It’s okay not to love your stepchildren, what is not okay (in my opinion) is to be cruel or unkind to them, there is a difference. I write this from the position of being a Stepdaughter, Daughter, Wife, Stepmother to five and biological Mother to one.
Thank you! This was exactly what I needed to come across. I have spent the last 5-6 months feeling so much anger and guilt. I felt like I must be a monster. Although I can tell my husband doesn’t love my son the way I do it seemed like he might be a typical male. I felt like stepmoms, especially those with kids of there own were programmed to love and nurture their step children… I felt as if I was defective. Now the only difference in my situation is that my husband wants me to claim my step kids as my own. Not only in a social setting, but personally. My step kids have a great biological mother. I think my husband looks over that bc she’s a lousy person to have as an ex wife…
My fiancé and I had been on and off for about 6 years because we got together when we were 16. During one of our lenghtier separations, where we were actually still romantically involved, he had a one night stand that resulted in a little girl. We got back together but it was too much to bare at first so I left for a few month. Just a little history, I have had three miscarriages with him, one while the other girl was pregnant with his daughter. This girl barely knew my fiancé and still really doesn’t but blamed me for him not getting with her. Anyways, my point is that sometimes I feel immense love for his daughter but recently I have just been feeling like our life is perfect without her in the picture. He and I are newly engaged and have had no more breaks ups and have truly matured so much. Our life is everything I ever wanted minus the child. It’s been much harder than I expected and am glad I can finally be honest. He works late and on Sundays so I watch her then and don’t mind but I find myself wanting her to come around less. I feel like a horrible person sometimes and use to always urge him to see her but I am beginning to keep my mouth shut and just let him make his own moves on the matter. Her mother has made empty comment about moving that I am sure were just to get some kind of emotional response put of my fiancé but I really wish she would just pick up and go away. Selfish, I know but I just want the life we dreamed of. it’s a it deeper than this. Her mom is an illegal immigrant who didn’t graduate and can only find fast food jobs that she can’t hold. I would much rather just have custody. It’s hard trying to raise her with our morals, the attention and family life we want to provide when we have her so little. We read to her, play with her, take her to the park and really provide a good foundation for her (she is 2). Her mom loves her but doesn’t spend the quality time and learning time she should with her that even the babysitter is concerned that she still isn’t speaking much. I think the problem is just that I don’t want to overstep boundaries but I also want what is best. I should correct myself and say that her mom could just go and leave us with custody. I suppose I just hold having a child in such high regard since I haven’t been blessed with my own.
Nice to find this blog. I’m feeling particularly selfish and bad today after Christmas. I’ve been with my fiancee for just over 2 years. He’s got 2 kids–a girl, 18, attending University about an hour away, and a son, 16, who lives with his mom. We don’t see the kids very often, about every 6 weeks or so. I have no kids of my own, and have never been interested in having children. To be honest, I don’t like children, any children, much at all. I tolerate the SKs–they are, for the most part, good kids, and his daughter in particular is very responsible–but I don’t like them, nor like spending time with them. I just can’t relate to them at all. Last Father’s Day, they didn’t even give him a card and I don’t think they called, which bothered me a lot. This year for Xmas, they handed him (us?) a single gift wrapped present that might be a plate (we haven’t opened it yet). I know Christmas isn’t about “stuff”, but a gift wrapped plate doesn’t even show effort or thought. Both kids work, and likely have more disposable income and time than we do. His daughter will be studying abroad next year, and he’s talking about going there for next Christmas. I dread the thought of even traveling that time a year, let alone spending the entire time being uncomfortable, as I would be. There was discussion over Christmas dinner about whether the daughter would be home next Christmas, and she commented on how it would all depend on if she could afford it. Yet on Thursday when we took them out for dinner, she was talking about spending spring break in Brazil. I don’t know if it’s because when I was in school, I had to make choices between text books and good food, but I can’t help but get a little pissed off that she can contemplate going to Brazil for springbreak, but expects family to pay for her to come home at Christmas next year.
His son is very lazy and unmotivated, and has been known to lie to his dad, qualities I don’t like in anyone. I know though, that’s it’s pretty typical for a teenage boy. Still, it doesn’t make me want to spend time with him.
In the grand scheme of things, I’m pretty fortunate–we live in a small 1 bedroom apartment, so the kids don’t visit with us there (we take them out for dinner, or he takes them sailing when he spends time with them). I don’t have kids of my own that we are trying to blend. They don’t do anything to antagonize me, or cause me difficulty. I just simply don’t like being around them, and get even more upset when they don’t seem to show appreciation to their father (he does try to be a good Dad, and I encourage him to see them often, without me.lol).
Anyhow, there’s my post-Christmas rant. Now I’ll cross my fingers and hope I’m not expected to do much else with them over the next few days. (I never, ever say anything about my feelings when it comes to the kids to their dad. I’m sure things like not having father’s day acknowledged are hurtful enough for him, without the added bother of listening to the woman you love criticize the kids you adore, so I just keep all of this to myself).
Thanks for letting me get it out.
I cannot believe this!! I want to thank you so much for posting this, this whole time I thought something was wrong with me for not loving my husbands children. He has three and all from different moms he is only in the life of his 3 yr old daughter . I hate the fact that he has to talk to the babys mother it bothers me soo much. When he brings her around I get these weird feelings, many different emotions that I just cant explain. But I just dont understand why if I love babies! When she comes over ofcourse I treat her like part of my family I bathe her feed her dress her the whole nine. But inside theres always that weird feeling ugh I dont understand she even calls me mom!!! Am I a monster???! Every time I look at her a picture my husband with her mother and it makes me angry, someone please help.? I dont have any children of my own for the fact that I believe im not ready to have a little life depend on me. There is still a
lot to do out there explore new things and I believe a baby will not allow it. Sometimes I say to myself, ” shes not my kid, why should I worry about her..?” Or change my plans because she’s coming over? I have never said any of this to anyone I always kept it to myself. Although everyone around us admires me for being there for the baby and taking care of her. I am soo confused at times everything is goin good and out of no where these thoughts pop in my head all over again. I was always told that if you love your husband you should love his children because they are a part of him. But I dont believe that is true. Well thanks againg for posting this and allowing me to express my self about this for once. . .
OH I forgot to mention, my father remarried when I was 10yrs old and the woman that he chose is an incredibly awsome human being. I always lived with my mother in a different state as them. But would go visit on summer vacations, she was awalys there for my brother and I always worried for us feeding us. Untill this day she calls me every birth day, xmas, new years etc.. And I am now 21. Truly love her and I know she loves me. Honestly
believe if it werent for her my dad would of never tried to contact us. I have two step brother n sister I love them with all of my heart. There fore I get confused even more so if I have an awsome stepmom, Why cant I be one??? Ive had nothing but pretty experiences with her all good memories..
This is jst so weird and confusing maybe I didnt want to follow the same steps and thought I could hav my children w one man which would be his first children also and we would live happily ever after?? And since I chose different im secretly regreting????? Glad there is women out there that understand
I started out with liking my Skids alot! I have not been able to stand them being in the same room as me since I became a stay at home mom. My one Skid has Aspergers and ADHD and he makes me want to hang myself at times! The other is 5 and does nothing but cry, give attitude, and throw tantrums! I ended up having a bio child and it just makes me resent the other two more. I feel my DH spends more time and gives more attention to his first kids. The oldest are in school so they have to go to sleep early so they go to bed early, and complain that the baby gets to stay up late when he sleeps till 10 AM when they don’t wake him up! Mind you we have full custody of all three kids! I hate staying home and wish I could work! I love my husband to death but his kids drive me crazy! I am glad to see I am not alone in this!
I cannot believe it when I hear skids are permitted to sass their parents (including step parents) in that fashion. They should have consequences for whining/disrespect etc. You make the rules, based on age/ability. It would make me very angry if they were commenting on how I parent my ACTUAL child! It’s none of their business, IMO.
My stomach turns as I write this next post…….these are my fears and my nerves are at an all time high and need some support. I’m finally thinking of having children of my own, but want to vomit at the thought of my husbands family making comments that our child we created together looks like his son…..I vomit at the thought of his son holding our child and wanting to spend time with our child, my stomach turns at the thought of his son showing up at birthday parties and his family wanting a picture of the siblings. From my previous posts you can see that my husband see’s his child about 10 times a year (maybe) and I really have nothing to do with him. I’m very scared that when we start our own family the fear I have listed above will start to happen. I seriously can’t stand the thought of it. 80% of the time my husband and I are at family events his family brings his child to them. My husband doesn’t take the time to do it, his family does. I’m just scared that his family is going to bring his son around when a baby is born and make it all into something it’s not. We are not a family and will never be a family, and when we have our own child that will be my family, never his child. I really again am so thankful that I’ve found this blog, becuase I can’t talk to many people about the way I feel. Only my closest friends know that my husband had a child. I don’t tell anyone becuase it makes me sick.
Do not let the fact you have a skid alter your plans to have children of your own. One thing I have decided is that I cannot and will not determine what sort of relationship my son and my skid make with each other. They actually play together despite the big age gap, which makes me smile. Me and DH’s son absolutely adores his big (half) brother and I would say, the feeling is mutual. I hope they will be there for each other when they grow up, too. I had many fears when I was pregnant, as well. One thing: you get to choose who is present when you give birth. I made sure my skid was nowhere near me as he makes EVERYTHING about him and it drives me nuts!
I am 49, never had kids and have no interest in them and even find them annoying. 6mo ago I fell in love with a man my age who has a 5yr old daughter who’s mother died when she was about 1.
At first I was curious, she seemed sweet and having her hold my hand on walks and sit on my lap was so new to me it didn’t bother me much. (I even liked it) I stood up for her when I thought he was to strict, fixed her room up girlie for her etc. I also only saw them on weekends and many times him alone without her.
I have been living here with them for about 3mo to see how it is really. I came from 3500 miles away for the summer and decided to do this before going home, no time like the present right?
Somehow it isn’t working for me, playing mommy saps my energy, makes me aggravated and kills my sex interest. I feel like an ass of course. Here is a homemade family that needs me and all I want to do is run. I’ve been thinking, how can I be good here when I don’t love this child, how could this get better. I will probably choose to leave and that sucks but there it is.
The man btw is the sweetest ever.
I’m so glad to find a site like this. I am not a stepmom yet, but because I am resenting my BF’s DD, he doesn’t know if we should be together. Whenever we get into arguements, he always brings up the fact that I don’t love his daughter and that I resent her and why would he want to be with someone who doesn’t love his daughter. I try to explain that his behaviors in coddling her and giving into his ex and taking her whenever the ex wants, regardless of our plans is partly to blame. It also doesn’t help that she has tantrums and attention seeking behavior when me and my kids are arround. BF admits that DD is a completely different person when we are around. Perhaps if she was as good and well behaved when we are there, I could grow to love her one day. I just hate that my BF thinks he may not want to continue our relationship if I don’t automatically love his DD as he loves my 2 kids. I keep thinking that she will outgrow the behaviors, but they are only geting worse and causing us to fight more about the dynamics between or kids and he wonders why the resentment gets worse as the days go on. I hope someday to move past this and love her, but right now I don’t. I feel like she is destroying my relationship with my BF and it is not fair. The sad part is that DD’s BM had custody for the first 9 months we were together, so we built a life between us and my kids and it was great. Then DD came back into our lives and BF began insulting me and my kids and how my kids being younger would impact his DD and how he didn’t want DD whining and acting like a baby. My kids act better than DD now, and all we do is fight. I try to be fair to all the kids, byt BF is fixated on me not LOVING his DD. Thanks for letting me know that it is OK that I don’t…even if BF doesn’t see it that way. Thanks for letting me vent!
Oh to find people in my shoes!!! Confusedmama, you’re kinda right up my alley. We have a mixed bag of sorts….my fiance has two children, one bio one not. Their mom passed (they had split up prior to the passing, she left him for a woman – another story). Anyway the son is 12 and not his, the daughter is 9 and his. The son doesn’t know that he’s not his (again another story). I have a three year old, she’s with me full time, every other weekend goes to her dad’s. His kids go to their maternal grandparent’s house every other so we have kid free time.
We had a whirlwind, falling in love and moving in together not long after meeting, I was meant to be with him. And then the reality of his children sunk in. I feel HORRIBLE but my god, they are dirty (greasy hair, don’t brush their teeth, wear the same things day in and day out until he forces them to change) their rooms are disgusting, their eating habits are disgusting, no manners. They don’t do well in school, they don’t have any extracurricular activities, I am a monster, but I don’t see any redeeming qualities about them. Top this off with losing their mom years ago and I’m a true witch. Now most people deep down can say to themselves that they can’t love sk like their own. I don’t want to love them, I want to be able to stand them. I LOVE summers cause they go to the grandparents cottage and we only see them every other weekend.
Next issue, he loves my daugther and loves to do things with her and interacts with her, and then makes me feel bad because I don’t do the same for his. There is a differential in the way he treats his own kids, the boy who is not his gets punished and the girl can do everything. She’s lying and manipulative and gets his son in trouble, half the time without him doing anything. I tried….I really did when we started, but now I just keep my daughter far away from them. I don’t need her growing up and acting like them, I don’t need her thinking that vegtables are disgusting and not good, I don’t need her thinking that it’s okay to not be clean, it’s okay to not be tidy and to not clean up after herself. I don’t need someone teaching her that lying is okay, or that being rude is the way of life. I’m sure all of this will come on it’s own one day and I hope to nip it in the bud.
I’m seriously starting to question getting married to this man and I feel cheated because the man I love, the one I was meant to be with, has these monsters. I wish that their mom was still around, lol probably a new set of problems, but I feel it would be a bit easier that way.
I am a horrible person. I’m sorry that this probably sounds like poor me whining, but my god they’re awful. My friends won’t come to the house if they are there and my own mother who loves everyone can’t stand them. ACK!!! How does everyone do it? Having my own kid it’s like people expect me to be Mary Poppins and create a family. People ask him why I don’t watch his children…ummmm I’m not their babysitter or their mother…I would never ask him to watch my 3 year old, not his job, not his responsibility. Maybe my thought patterns are cracked but I need something, and fast, so that I could potentially be with the one I love.
What a selfish self serving immature load of crap. You chose the whole person you fell in love with. You don’t get to pick and choose. DO the world a favor and start acting like ADULTS that actually had a CHOICE in the matter and stop taking CHILDREN hostage with your hate. Let’s think about maybe staying the HELL AWAY FROM A MAN WITH CHILDREN TO RAISE.
My mom died when I was a young teenager. My whore of a father couldn’t even wait six months before he was chasing a whore of a woman down the street. The day after my brother graduated from high school he pressured him into joining the military so he could get rid of him. He was married to that whore a month later. He and HER did the same to me as soon as I graduated. To hell with all you selfish manipulative sneaky sluts all acting like you are the VICTIMS and feeling sorry for yourselves. You are the scum of the earth. I hope you all have miserable lives and die unloved.
Wow.
Normally I wouldn’t approve a comment like this, but in this case I think it’s a perfect example of how misplaced anger towards a father is taken out on the stepmother.
Even though you wish all stepmothers (“whores and sluts”) a miserable life without love—WE wish you the best and hope that you resolve your anger towards your father and stepmother so that you can live a fufilled life of happiness.
Best wishes to you.
Wow… I’d like to offer an extremely heart-felt suggestion on behalf of the rest of the world, or at least people you might have to come in contact with: Please, PLEASE, get therapy. You are obviously very hurt from issues from when you were a teenager, and (assuming you are actually an adult now, based on your comment I can’t guarantee that) you haven’t gotten over losing your mother and feeling abandoned by your father.
I hope you are able to get over your obvious issues at some point and learn what real love is. I’m sorry you feel so betrayed by your father and that you were replaced in his life by your stepmother, I really am. I truly feel sorry for you to have such anger and hatred in your heart. It won’t be until you deal with those feelings that you will be able to feel real love yourself.
As for your comment that “we” are all “selfish manipulative sneaky sluts” acting like we are “VICTIMS” who feel sorry for ourselves, please take a close look at your attitude. YOU are the one feeling sorry for yourself. WE (meaning, stepmoms) chose to marry a man with children. WE were able to love someone who came as a package deal. WE more than likely did NOT break up anyone’s marriage. WE are able to love. WE are able to forgive. WHO exactly is the victim? Seems to me it is the one calling her own father and the woman he married (after he was WIDOWED – you don’t say that he cheated on your mother, just that she died and THEN he remarried) – whores.
Because I am a mature adult capable of forgiveness and love, I choose to wish you a happy life and the ability to actually LOVE someone other than yourself someday. I also hope that you choose to love someone who doesn’t already have children, because I would hate to see more innocent people exposed to such hatred as yours. Best wishes.
Wow, Jen. It must have been very hurtful to see your father chase after a woman so soon after you own mother died. I would be so angry, as well and very resentful. And it might be possible that the woman who became your stepmother resented and hated you as you suggest.
But just because a woman doesn’t love her stepchildren doesn’t mean she doesn’t treat them with respect and care. Just like most teachers, stepmothers help care for and raise children who are not their own and they do their very best to make that child feel appreciated. I’m sorry if you weren’t treated kindly, but not all stepmothers are like that. Love is not required to treat children well.
First off I had no idea my now husband had children till I was already in love with him, so im a whore and a slut?.. Mmm I dont think so and I dnt hate the kids I just can’t love them. Sad you blame all of us here because of what your father did . well I wish you the BEST!
My favorite line in this entire article was “Are they expected to love you like they love their mom?” Many people are very hypocritical about this whole thing. SMs are expected to love their skids unconditionally like they are their own children. They are expected to make the same sacrifices, the same concessions, the same everything. Yet they are constantly told “You are not their mother” “Stop trying to be their mother” How can you ask a SM to love her skids as if she was their mother and then slap her in the face for acting like their mother? In my personal opinion, as long as the SM cares about their skids, treats them well and understands that they are a part of the package and a part of their husbands life then they are doing just fine.
I feel like “Jen” might suffer from some major “daddy” issues. Very sad and she probably should talk to someone and if she joined the military, I wouldn’t let her near any guns
I love this post. I tried everything that I could think of to have a good relationship with my SD, all of my efforts have gone unappreciated and have been twisted into something negative. I finally realized that I can’t be the only one to put forth effort. I do love her, but I’ve come to truly dislike the cold hearted person that she has become and I most certainly do not love her in the same way that I love my own two bio kids. At the same time, I do feel horrendously guilty about this because it’s not what I wanted, it’s not how DH and I had planned it to be. The thing about a blended family is that there are outside factors (my ex, DH’s ex, their spouses) that can really affect your home, both positively or negatively. My ex and his wife work really hard along side me and my DH to keep things positive and healthy for my kids. On the other hand, DH’s ex, does everything in her power to alienate us and create contention with SD. I’ve come to accept that I can’t control her or the fact that SD believes every horrendous thing BM says about her dad and I. I’ve accepted that for now, it is what it is (we’ve been 100% alienated for the last 1 1/2 years) and that hopefully someday SD will look back and see things for what they really are.
Jen, I don’t feel like I’m a victim. I know that I have made mistakes along the way, we all do, but I can honestly say that I have given it my all and that my intentions have always been pure and good hearted, SD and her BM, can not say the same. It is very frustrating that society so easily believes the whole Cinderella/wicked stepmom syndrome. We are real people too and deserve to be treated with respect as well. Blended families are tough, there are so many dynamics and outside factors involved that make every situation unique. It’s nice to find a blog where honesty is accepted
This blog has been a little refreshing. I have a stepson who was abused by his mother and stepfather and almost died. My now husband and I were just dating when it happened so he went to live with my husband’s mother who didn’t make the situation better. She thought because he was abused that pushing him to do anything would be a detriment to his psyche, well he didn’t feel he had to do anything for himself or that he had to do anything in school. Fast forward 2 years and me and his dad get married, I always told my husband I had reservations about being a stepmother to him because he was kind of a “bad” child before the incident that i really thought he would be a challenge to deal with. I have a child from a previous relationship that my husband bonded with pretty quickly and I felt bad that when his son came to visit I was so happy when it was time for him to go home. So now I’m married and my husband enlists in the Navy, I find out I’m pregnant and we moved far from home and combine all the kids under one roof. I am now dealing with a child who has mommy issues and hates if I tell him he has tobac do anything he doesn’t want to and when I talk to him stares at me as if I’m speaking greek, I have an infant and a husband that is never home. I really feel overwhelmed and to top it off like I feel bad because I hate being around his son and there is nothing I can do about it that isn’t going to cause alot of friction. I feel like my husband does nothing with his child but expects me to do everything and gets mad if I mention it because he says I don’t spend anytime with him either. I hate being a prisoner to making sure he is a productive part of society because I married his father, i wish all the time I could go back to life without him in my house, I was less stressed and happy.
I haven’t liked my stepdaughter since she was 3 and I was only dating her father. She has always been an ill-mannered brat. She is 8 now and I have been married to her father for 3 years. Sometimes her and I get along, but mostly, I get annoyed just knowing she is coming home from school soon. She was raised by three people – her drunken mother (only once in a blue moon), her father, and her grandparents. She has had NO stability in her life – so I cut her some slack in the beginning and just tried raising her with manners and morals and whatnot. Her and her mother recently “bonded” so all of a sudden, the kid treats me like crap, as much as an 8 year old can. She is completely disrespectful and consistently goes behind my back to get her father to say YES to something I said NO to… Anyway, long story short, I have finally come to terms with myself; I realized I just don’t love her. I care about her as a human being, but it stops there. I have tried for 5 years and I just feel like giving up. My husband knows how I feel about her and he doesn’t say anything — sometimes I think he is a spineless twit. But that aside, I am so glad I found this page because I would NEVER admit this to anyone in real life. I put on a show in front of even my best friends, and it is tiring. I can’t wait until she is 18 and moved out.
Hello, I am also glad I found this page and your post. Your post really reflects how I feel. I have been feeling guilty because I am a nice person and I try to live a good life but how much abuse is a person supposed to take. I too put on a show for others,for my husband, my in laws, the general public. I have been trying for 4 years to cultivate a relationship with this child. The mother constantly undermines my attempts. The mother has periods of time where she stops allowing her to come for court ordered weekend visits. She has started allowing her to come again. I cringe at the thought of her visiting. My husband is usually at work so he does not have to endure her bratty behavior. He himself seems to avoid the child because he is older, the child is disrespectful to him as well and she has no social skills. She says she has a plan to get rid of me. That’s scary and I dont know what to do without causing problems in my marriage. The BIOMOM would love that. I cant tell anyone. so again. I can relate to the way you feel. Had I know it would be this way…it would have been a deal breaker. We have been married for almost 4 years.
I don’t love my stepdaughter like I love my own. She’s mean to my 2 year old. I she’s very demanding and backtalks everytime I tell her she’s doing something wrong. She cries when her little sister gets a present and she doesn’t even though she got a present the day before. She asks why every time I ask her to do something. I just can’t help not loving her like I love my daughter. PLUS we only have her every other weekend
Be glad you only have her every other weekend!! I have both my step kids everyday and they only go to their BM every other weekend!
I felt very guilty before reading these posts. I dont like my SD. I tried to develope a relationship with her when she was younger. I have suffered so much abuse at the hands of her and her mother that I cant take it anymore.So I dont try anymore. She says she has plans to get “rid” of me. I dont know what the plan is but that is really scary. If she finds herself having a good time with me, she will burst out crying. I guess she feels guilty because she knows her mother does not want her to like me. It is really sad. So for self preservation, I try to remain neutral.
Kim, unfortunately there are many stepmothers who feel exactly like you. A funny story for you from another stepmom about her stepchildren “plotting to get rid of her”. She overheard a conversation between her SDs and her DH where they said that they hated her and they “want to pour water on her and make her go away.” DH was puzzled by that until he found out that their mother had shown them The Wizard of Oz for the first time the week before and they (the girls and their mother) decided to call her (SM) the “Wicked Witch of the West”. The SM took the whole family swimming that day—and she didn’t melt.
This was a great article and Like many I got the “OMGOSH I can relate” thought.
I have a wonderful husband and we have been together for about 5 years now. We have been married for 3 years. My husband and I have a unique family. When I met him his youngest was 2 and the oldest was 14. His ex-wife took off and left him with 9 children, YES i said 9. Needless to say he got custody of all 9 of them. I have two Biochildren of my own and we have one together. 12 children all together.
Like I said, their mom took off, I have never met the lady and in the 5 years that I have been with them they have seen her once, she calls every sunday but most of the kids don’t want to talk to her, and she’s sent maybe 3 packages. She doesn’t pay child support, can’t hold a job, and doesn’t pay for school supplies or clothes. Pretty much worthless. She promises them everything and constantly lets them down. So I am left picking up the pieces.
The oldest has moved out and started a family of her own. One of the other boys we had to send to live with her for the safety of the family. The more I deal with the kids the more a believe in genetics because I see her in them more and more. The deceit, lies, hatefulness and just overall ugliness, that these kids display on a daily basis. I understand there is alot of emotion going on with them to have their mom just abandon them. But I get so frustrated at the fact that she walks on water and I’m chopped liver. I bend over backwards taking care of these kids, and caring for them but I find myself resenting them (really their mother) more than loving them. I feel myself just “waiting until they grow up and move out” and I don’t want that to be my sole goal. I don’t want to just live life and end up resenting the kids.
My husband is military and he was gone alot and to be honest, I am not a gambling woman, but I would wager a large sum of money on how many kids weren’t actually my husbands biochildren. That makes me sad. He loves them unconditionally and he tries really hard to make of for where their BM lacks and I feel that that actually hinders their growth. I find them walking all over him and they pester him until he caves in because he’s tired and has no more energy. That is about the only area we don’t agree on. I want him to be more firm and the kids know he doesn’t have the energy most days because they wear u out!!
We have other issues too, way to many to go into and it just adds to the resentment. I really fear that I am struggling to show love and I don’t want that ugliness to turn me ugly! I know these kids have been through alot and only need a loving mom but I struggle on a daily basis trying to make up and repair what their mom screwed up! I care about these kids otherwise I really wouldn’t be here, I can think of may other ways to live than in a house with 10 kids. My DH is an amazing man but we are both tired of fighting with the kids, e don’t fight with each other, which is nice. But it is a constant battle in our house some days!! I am so mentally and physically exhausted all the time and my temper is short. Any ideas suggestions would be helpful!!
Thanks!
Well I feel very relieved to find this blog. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years in march. We met years earlier through his sister, and occasionally saw each other at parties ..I never thought we’d be together, I always found him attractive- but we never were alone to get to know one another. Over the years in between relationships we would have romantic encounters, but it never evolved into anything serious. One day he asked his sister how I was doing, and to arrange for us all to get together (with her and her fiance) She did, and that night something changed- the next morning it was hard to leave him, and one day later we were inseparable. The point of the background story was that I knew he had children- and at that point they were living out of province with their mother. I didn’t think much of anything except that I was having fun. We were dating for 2 months, and moved in together, on a casual whim to see how we felt living together. Four months later his ex dropped her 2 kids off our doorstep, claiming that she was an alcoholic and couldn’t take care of them. That was about 2.5 years ago, he has full custody now- and she gets every other holiday. I have struggled immensely emotionally trying to feel like this is normal and okay. Some days I feel like I am their mother. I’ve never played the role of step mom. I have been the one crying when they go to their mothers, feeling like she is taking my kids away. But other days I look at the little girl and see her mothers face and remember that she isn’t mine. Some days I feel so irritated by them, and wonder what my life would be like if he never had them. I feel so guilty for feeling like that, like a horrible person. Recently my brother and grandma have asked me “do you hug and kiss the kids?” with this deeply concerned look of pity on their faces..even though my family cant accept that i’m dating a man with 2 kids- and because of that i feel uncomfortable giving the kids overly motherly affection in front of my family- but then they turn around and judge me! making me feel like I should be more maternal or something. And all this after I get reamed out for “ruining my life being with a man with kids” I feel torn. I’m expected to love these kids like my own, but then get hassled for my poor decision to get involved and take care of them!!! The damn child tax check even comes in my name, my salary is reviewed to determine how much daycare subsidy we receive- but In court I have no rights, they wouldn’t even let me into the hearing- because I’m not family!!!!!!!! SO when it’s convenient for everybody else I am mommy, and when it isn’t- I’m a disillusioned women who’s being used by my boyfriend for childcare, and dominated by a mother in law who has my work schedule, and calls to report me to my boyfriend if i have to work overtime, and am “late” to pick up the children.
My day:
wake up at 7am
get kids dressed, fed
get myself dressed and fed
drop boy off at school
drop girl off at daycare
drive to work for 9am
pick up kids at grandmas right after work 6pm (if im late get in shit- cant even make a stop on the way home)
go home feed kids bathe kids
eat
put kids to bed
cycle starts again
some days i’m very happy. some days i want a child that is ours only. but i cannot imagine how over whelmed i’ll feel.
The kids tell me they love me 10 times a day..and mostly call me mom, but sometimes rachel. I wonder if I am sort of removed emotionally from children (never liked kids or planned on having any) or if it’s different when you have your own.
My boyfriend doesn’t seem to be overly attached to the kids, he does his job as a father, but sometimes i can sense he wishes things could’ve been different (the children were the unplanned result of being a guy in a band sleeping with a party toy girlfriend with whom thought he loved in his inebriated haze)
Sometimes I beat myself up about not being maternal enough, not putting the kids first. But this is my life! I’m 26! I still haven’t achieved my goals! I still have a future that is mine, and I can’t give all of myself to these kids- but wish I could. I wish their mom lived closer, and actually gave a shit (she went on to have 4 abortions and another baby with a random that she dated for 2 months who had a girlfriend at the same time) She now has a new boyfriend that she lives with, and runs a daycare from the house. So here I am taking care of her children, while she’s getting paid to take care of her new baby and a slew of other peoples children. She swings by every two or three months to pick up the kids in her bf’s car- showers them with gifts, and sleepovers in the hotel, fun, games, no discipline! The kids don’t go to daycare or school when they are with her, so it’s almost like I push the daily grind- and she just swoops in for fun times! and then drops them off with me so she can get back to her new life.
WHat is a girl to do?
i’m sorry for this incoherent rant, i know the punctuation and sentence structure is all over the map…
I want the kids to grow up right, learn how to be good people, and care about others, and themselves. I want them to have a good education, travel, learn about the world, and dream big. I am trying to find my path personally, but at the same time trying to be a mom to two small kids that aren’t biologically mine. I’m trying to be a good girlfriend, daughter, granddaughter and friend. I want to take care of everybody else, but I also need to take care of me. I wish we had more support from his family (grandma helps, but always complains, is an alcoholic, and on disability welfare) so obviously I’d rather take the kids, sacrifice my social life to keep them out of that environment.
Again, it is comforting to know that I’m not the only one struggling at times. And I think it’s worth mentioning, that women are expected to play many different roles; breadwinner, housekeeper, cook, taxi driver, lover, nurturer etc.
we are resilient, powerful beings that should empower each other, support one another, and even when we feel we might break under all the pressure..know that we have a strength that is unparalleled, that we are a force of nature- and as long as we use our powers wisely, we have done all we can do.
I really enjoyed reading this post. You sound like you are such a good person, it is obvious you love those kids and they are lucky to have you. I can see how it is hard not to be resentful or bitter sometimes. To go from living with a man to having two small kids dropped off at the house is huge. I certainly hope he appreciates you. Be sure to take care of yourself, your young and you deserve to have what you want for yourself in life. In my situation I feel like I put my bf and his son’s feelings ahead of my own, otherwise i was a bad person. Now that I’m in to deep I realize that what I want personally in life is important to. It does not make me a horrible person I hope.
omg i am so glad i found this site! i really felt i was alone and a monster. i dont think i am and i am glad to hear other woman say they love their husbands but dont have to love the children. My boyfriend has a daughter and his friends try telling him i dont love him because i dont accept the kid. I love him so much and he loves me so much and are planning a life together having kids. but he knows how i feel. he knows i dont accept her, i resent her, i dont like seeing her or her being around too long, i hate hearing her call him daddy. i hate any affection from him to her. i guess i just cant wait until we have our own family our kids together to enjoy seeing him give our baby all the attention in the world. This does not mean i am mean to her whatsoever not at all. i just want her more away so we can have our own llife. becasue of my complaints we only get her everyother weekend and even though i still cant stand it its way beetther then every weekend like it used to be.
I have two step-daughters. And I know I have a duty towards them. I look after them — cook, clean, do laundry, help with school projects, take them to movies, celebrate birthdays, holidays, look after them when they are sick. I do all of this because when I married my husband, I knew I was becoming a wife and a Stepmother at the same time. It is a responsibility I accepted. Here’s what I have to say to you — regardless of whether you love, like, partially love, partially like your stepchildren, you are required to do your duty to them to the best of your abilities. If you do that, then you should be proud of yourself. Love may or may not figure into the equation.
Hi – i’m glad i found this blog as i’ve been really struggling with my emotions. My BF and i moved in together almost 2 years ago, we’ve both been married before and have 3 kids each, ranging in ages 15-23. 4 of them live at home full-time and the other 2 come over a lot. I’m having issues with his 16 yr old daughter, besides the fact that she’s a drama queen and everything is about her… i had one of those too so i get that but its her lying about chores that gets me so mad. Just yesterday, i asked her to empty dishwasher after dinner as i know for a fact the other kids have all done their share and i can’t remember the last time she did and she said i loaded the whole dishwasher and cleaned the whole ktichen today. i just about fell off my chair as i didn’t leave for work until 10 and I had cleaned the kitchen and the dishwasher was pretty full, i had meant to turn it on but forgot. I told her this in front of her dad and she said well it was messy and there were glasses all over the living room (ok, maybe there were 2, thats it). of course her dad says nothing. this stuff happens all the time. why am i letting it bug me so much that i’m thinking maybe this isn’t working. I love this man with all my heart, he loves me , i know once they all move out we’ll have a wonderful life together. i know this sounds trivial, she’s not playing games with her mom (her mom isn’t involved much at all) and she doesn’t make lies up about me so why can’t i just ignore this???!!!
Sounds like your 16-year old stepdaughter is being 16. Think about her behavior from her perspective: her mom isn’t around very much, so she’s the last person that she’s going to lie to or play games with for fear that she will disappear all together. You’re a permanent fixture in her life and she’s learned that she can count on you, no matter how badly she behaves. Try not to let it bother you and remember that the teenages years (and all the not-so-fun behaviors that go with it) pass. Good luck!
Ahahaha let’s see what those of you who have hubby’s that don’t see their bio kids (to your relief) think when your marriage is over and he now wants nothing do with your new bio kids ( to his new wife’s relief). Bet you change your tune and he’s suddenly a heartless bastard and the new wife is a manipulator.
Grow the hell up! Step parenting is hard – bloody hard, but you are the adult! I think you are talking yourselves into not loving the skids! I’m bloody glad I am not you and that none of my kids live with you. What a bunch of selfish bitches…
What about the selfish bitch mother who gives her daughter to her dad and me because she’s done with her? I didn’t ask for this.
Name-calling certainly doesn’t help. There’s a big difference between being a selfish bitch and being honest about your feelings.
And it is very adult of you to start name calling people who are are trying to be very honest and open on this topic.
You’re assuming only step MOTHERS don’t love their skids. What about the step FATHERS? Gotta love the obvious sexist bullcrap that women must be maternal to all children – even the ones they have not adopted and aren’t actually theirs. Why should we invest so much emotional energy into a child that will treat us with disdain when their mother decides to roll back into their lives? I TREAT MY SKID BETTER THAN HIS F***KING MOTHER DOES but I do not love him! Allegedly, she loves him though her behaviour says otherwise.
She neglects him, feeds him garbage food, doesn’t get his hair cut in a civilized fashion – he is on honour roll at school when he is with us, for academics and attendance. He suddenly has 1 or no cavities rather than the many he used to have.
It is also not the step-parent’s responsibility to dictate to their spouse about when the spouse should see the skids – that is TOTALLY on them! My marriage is strong, thanks anyway…
I have 2 boys with my husband, and he also has a 9 year old daughter, the product of a 1 night stand. I hate, hate HATE that he has a child with someone else and just try to forget about it. Of course I am pleasant to her when she is around but I will never love her, much less love her as much as MY kids. Luckily we were able to move to Florida where my family is and his daughter is still in ny with her mother. She only comes to visit once a year for a couple weeks at a time so our home isn’t disrupted too much. My husband knows exactly how I feel. I wish I never even started dating a man with a kid but hindsight is 20/20 and now that we have 2 kids of our own everyone just kind of has to deal…it is what it is I suppose. When we first got together I would have near panic attacks just being around his daughter…I must have had really low self esteem back then! I would definitely advise anyone considering marrying a man with kids to run for the hills. Also, in reference to something “damngoodstepmom” (ha!) Said about when we get divorced…we actually DID separate for a while and my son’s father was as involved as ever, so I guess no blanket statements can ever be made in steplife!
I admit I do not love my stepson until now I felt I had to try very hard but all this has done is made me resentful so going forward I’m taking a step back. I am a childless SM and I find it hard to cope sometimes as I’m used to it just being us two does this make me a bad person as its eating me up inside! My husband says I’m always on at him but my SC uses bad language towards me I’m in a situation and I don’t really know what else to do.
My husband says he will see his son alone maybe it’s for the best but it hurts as we do have fun most of the time .
I don’t think your a bad person, I understand how trying so hard every day can give you bad feelings and make you resentful. I really don’t think that I could deal with having bad language used on me, I would snap. I certainly hope your husband picks up for you. All you can do is try.
I’m so glad that I read all these posts. For so long I have thought there is something wrong with me, that I am a bad person. I met my fiancé 8 years ago when his son was 7 and never expected to get into a relationship with him mainly because he had a child. But my bf grew on me and he does have a good kid but I have never found it easy. Regardless of what a sweet, good kid he was I was always bitter and resentful. I wanted a relationship where it was about me and my bf but I made the choice to get into it. I have tried so hard to make his son a part of my life the past few years but I still find myself upset and wondering what I am doing some days. His son’s mother left him when he was 4 and eventually cut contact with him, never even called him on his birthdays or Xmas, never sent him anything, does not even pay support. That was very difficult on him and then the past year she made contact through facebook. They talk and visit now and he is over the moon about mom. He does not look at me as a mother at all yet I am the one who helps provide for him and try to be apart of his life every day. He is 14 now and is growing into a such a good young man but I get so pissed sometimes that he doesn’t appreciate me more when his mother really is not that great. What does she do for him. She sent him down a used iPod in the fall and I thought how nice, it’s time for her to start doubt things like that. When Xmas rolled around I noticed she never sent him anything, she told him the iPod was his Xmas gift. Really! She pays nothing toward raising him and can’t give him her used iPod just because. Then she writes things on facebook for everybody to see about how things were complicated a while back and she loves him more then anybody. Why not call your son or write and private message. What I really find hard is trying to look out for him and have input in his life and his father jumps down my throat. I’ve just about had it, I’m considering leaving. It’s so hard to be comfortable and be a family when I’m allowed to put food on the table for him, drive him around, pay the bills, etc but if I try to be a parent me and my fiancé always end up fighting. I feel like more of a parent to my cats. It makes me resent and have hostility towards his son.
All weekend I could not wait to post again ……such a relief to get all these feelings that build up overtime off my chest. Everytime I write it truly makes me feel better and I LOVE NOT BEING JUDGED for the way I feel. We all have situtiions in our lives that make us uncomfortable. My husband haveing a son is mine. I admire many of you who use the words step daughter or step son, becuase I can’t even speak those words out of my mouth. Only a hand full of my closest friends know about my husband’s child and these are the only people I vent to. I was blessed when I found this blog and have recenlty found another woman who feels the same exact way I do about this situation. Many of you deal with your stepchilren every other weekend etc…..I feel lucky that is not my situation. I see my husband’s son maybe a hand full of times a year. The anxiety building up when those moments happen, I can’t even describe. This past weekend was a “moment”. When he’s around it’s always at a family gathering so luckily I can ignore the situation as I keep myself busy talking with others. However I must admit that it makes my stomach turn to see my husband interact with him like they around each other all the time. It’s like my husband tries to be something he’s never been for 17 years, I feel he tried to make a good impression on other family members as If he’s involved in his son’s life full time like most dad’s are. As mentioned also in previous posts of mine……if it was not for my husband’s mother his son would not even be at these family gaterings becuase my husband doesn’t think about bringing him. My moter in law has recently been informed by myself on the way I have felt for 9 years and now I feel as if she purposely invited my husband’s son over the weekend to a family b-day party. She can be a very minupulative person. I just don’t know how to deal with my feelings anymore……as the years go on they only get stronger and as I’m getting older I start to think more about having a family with my husband but I feel like that has already been taken away from me becuase he has a son with someone else. I fear of comments that will be made, I fear of his son holding our child and his family wanting to take family photo’s, I fear of b-day parties that will be thrown for our children and his son being there, I fear what to tell our children about the child he had and if he’s considered a brother or not to them becuase in my eyes he is not. I know that I sound like hate reeps from my bones, but I don’t hate his son I just hate the situation and wish my husband didn’t have a son to begin with. I hate that I will never feel 100% whole like I want to to share special family moments without in the back of head having anxiety over this. For the rest of my life I have to deal with this and I don’t know how. His son is 17 and is talking about joining the military. I pray this happens. I pray he goes away and for the first time I can have a life with the thought or fear of having to be around the situation. I always feel so selfish when I think of it because I’m actually very lucky that it’s only apart of my life a hand full of times a year. I could go on for hours typing awaying until my fingers hurt, but today is a hard day for me due to the family weekend b-day party. we were in charge of taking his son home after the party even though the only reason his son was there was becuase mother in law wanted him there……..the ride home was so uncomfortable for me. My husband made small talk the whole 45min with him asking him questions that I felt if you were really involved with someone’s life (like he tries to tell me he is) then you would know the answers to all the questions you are asking. I just need strength right now to put this once again behind me until the next “moment” occurs.
I spent last night celebrating my step sons birthday and I could not wait for it to be over. I do so much for the child, more then his own mother and I am never appreciated. His aunts, uncle and grandmother all went around giving him gifts but when his father gave him a gift from us I received no thank you, he did not even mention that it was from me as well. Same thing Xmas time, we showered him with gifts and after he finished opening them all he put his arms around his dad and said thank you. It makes me so bitter and resentful. I know that I am supposed to be an adult and it would be hurtful but I would love to ask my step son what his real mother does for him that is so great, what makes him love her so much. I have never meet the woman but like I mentioned in a previous post she left him when he was a little boy and never so much as spoke to him in years but has recently reconnected. I haven’t asked yet but I don’t think she even gave him a birthday gift, she never gave him anything for Xmas, she pays no support, she does not have to deal with any of the parenting but she can send him little messages on facebook saying I love you baby boy and nobody will ever love you as much as me. I have sacrificed my own needs, my wants and the freedom I would like to have with a partner to be a step mom and I don’t know if I can do it any more. It’s not even that bad but I want my own child who loves me and I love back. I’m to the point where I feel depressed. Do I think about my own feelings or theirs.
all i know is i have been with my husband now almost 8 years – he has a daughter whom i tried to love for all of this time – she is now on her own and i am so thankful for that – but honestly there is really nothing about her that i like – at all. she is deceitful, a liar, coniving, very messy and dirty, does not respect other peoples property, does not respecet her dad or i – not quite sure what is left. She is the only person i can think of that makes me that angry – most people even if i don’t like them much – have some qualities that i appreciate and respect – with her there truly are none. What a sad and frustrating place to be. Yet i am trying to encourage her and her dad to go for counselling so that they can have a relationship – deep down i don’t even care . . . . . . how is that for honest?
I am so glad I found this. I honestly need to vent and could use some advice as well. I am recently re-married and on the verge of being divorced again and the biggest problem is skids. I am a Biomom to three boys ages 11, 7, and 5 me and my ex have joint custody but we have been in court for the past year trying to sort things out and hopefully do whats right for the kids its never ending. Needless to say that itself is the most frustrating and emotionally draining thing I have ever been through and continue to go through but to top it off I fell in love with someone almost 2 years ago and we got married in June. He has 2 children girl 6 and boy 11. I have been their full time mom ever since. He has full custody of the kids…their mom is an alcoholic duggie criminal who has had no contact with them for more than a year. They by no means are horrible kids not even close…but in my opinion living with her for the many years they did has seriously damaged them and to top it off my husband being a single father who was exhausted all the time did little in the way of raising them. Yes he loves them. Yes he does things with and for them. But when I came into their lives there was NO discipline and he teaches them no repsonsibility or manners. I thought I was going to swoop in and make everything better. Not even close. His kids are disprspectful to me at times, the don’t take care of things whether they belong to them me or my kids, they lie and the ss has a horrible temper and is mean to my younger boys a lot which I cant stand. The sd acts like she is afraid of me when he is there…why I have no clue but I get blamed for it and degraded for it all the time. If I come in a room she will leave. MY husband says its my fault that I scare her or make her uncomfortable. I have no idea what to do…she was like that before I ever came into the picture. And she doesn’t act affraid of me at all when we are alone. I don’t get it. I think a big part of it is her mother passing out drunk and leaving her to fend for herself when she was 3. I fully admit their father and I are night and day as far as raising kids and since im a teacher and they go to my school I am the one who spends most of the time with them and I am a considerable amound harder on them than he is. But I’m like that with my biokids. I want to raise kids who will become repsonsible kind adults who will be able to to live a comfortable life and contribute positivley to society. And I want the same for his. Today we got into a silly argument but he blew up and it turned into the same old dialog of what a shitty step mom I am because his kids act different around me. It ended with him yelling at me that he loves them more and always will. Things like this make me so resentful. I am on the verge of giving up…if I haven’t all ready in my mind. I have tried so hard to do what I thought was good I take them places reward them for good grades, show an interest in what they do but nothing seems good enough. I don’t kiss all over them and hug them…its just not my way I am only that way with my bios it just doesn’t feel natural yet with the skids…we have only lived together 8 months. I really don’t want him or the kids to go but I feel so lonely (when my kids aren’t there) and emotionally beat up I don’t know if I should continue to try. Are these types of arguments typical and solvable or should I just give up? Any suggestions are welcome PLEASE!
I definitely know how you feel. I have a SS who is a good kid but if I try to be a parent to him at all my bf jumps down my throat. I think that woman think differently about some things then men but he does not see that my intentions are good, He would rather get offended. For example, when we first moved in together my SS would never wash his hands, never, and I noticed, something I think a parent needs to pay attention to and teach their children. I brought it up and I was the bad one, suddenly I was trying to say my SS was a dirt bag. I have so many examples it is unreal and that is why I myself am emotionally drained. I wish I had the answer or knew what the right thing to do is. I don’t have any children of my own and can’t imagine this being my life forever, if I do not have my own child at least I would not be able to continue on.
I feel for you! It’s uncomfortable to try and function under the same roof when you are supposed to be a parental figure, yet you aren’t allowed to and nothing you do seems good enough for them. I think your husband needs to realize how tough your role is and that you have been trying to do more than what their own biomom has ever done. He really should support and respect YOU more than anything because the marriage is the foundation, not the kids! If he “loves them more” then he needs to place his priority and focus on you so that they can have a stable, normal environment. You shouldn’t feel guilty that it doesn’t feel natural to hug and kiss them…that is something that can only come with time, and sometimes it never happens and that’s o.k. too. What’s important is they are lucky enough to have a mom raising them who is not a druggie criminal!
Mt husband knows I do not like my step kids and he told me he cannot live like this knowing I don’t live his kids, he says that if I love him I should live his kids
. I am living with my bf and his young daughter since her age of 3. Since I came into her life at 3 she has immediately attached herself to me. Started calling me mommy from the 30th day of my moving in. We do everything together. I teach her how to ride horses, ride bikes, paint, use computer, I teach her spanish the list goes on and on. I also teach her her education writing ,reading,etc…
She had become my child. I have spend days and weeks and months on end watching her blossom into a little girl. She loves me and I her. She is my daughter.
we are very happy with me mommy in the house. in fact she set the pace. I have had a talk to her about it over a year ago and she doesn’t care. She said she loves me and I am her mommy too. So now she had 2 mommies. I left it at that.
This was just fine in our home. Two and half years go by, I take care of her everyday. Bring her to her dr. appt. bring her to school. Play, do homework. its a 26 day a month
special time between the two of us. So, for her to feel comfortable calling me mom is certainly fine with me.
It’s been 2.5 years. And now the bio mother is not liking it .. She sat down my daughter and told her she is forbidden to call me mom ever again. And that i’s wrong. And to think
of another name for me. So Bio mom called me up and tells me her daughter is not allowed to call me mom any longer and she is going to call me cupcake.
Inside info. The bio mother receives a hefty amount of child support a month.
The bio dad pays for all education. private school,
The bio dad pays for baby sitters. extra curricular activities, violin, sports, horseback riding. camp etc.
tennis, golf, tutor. and many more things.
The only thing the bio mother needs to do is enjoy her daughter, take advantage of all of the wonderful opportunities in life she is getting. A financial burden that had been taken right off of her back. She has a lot a free time and is certainly has any opportunity in the world to take her on her days. or her off days to do fun stuff together. Who I am to stop that.? There is nothing need to be paid. Just time to spend. No worries.
It doesn’t happen like that. It’a usually just all me. At this point I am in Love with this child and want to spend every waking moment raising her anyway. But, If her mom wants her, I oblige.
This is the first time I felt totally insulted. Besides me feeling insulted. That poor child was just told not to call someone she loves as a mother mom. I can just feel how her heard sand in her little chest. I know it would upset the child. What is this woman doing? A divorce and living between 2 homes is enough, pawning her off at your sisters or her grandmothers to sleep and stay during your 2 lousy weekend while you are off partying or whatever it is that you do.
That’s all you get with her. If you don’t want her, her dad and I would more than love to have her stay and live with us. This is her home. We are her family.
You don’t work for 7 months and drop her off to me every single day so that I can take care of her. Spring to Oct. and thats not Including November- May. Then I have her all winter everyday. Listen , I love my life, I love my time for me.i have always worked in my career, but with this child. She did something to me. I will never be the same person. I fell in love with her.. And I want to protect and help raise her to the finest young woman she can be. TO me it’s become all about her. I put myself. My whole life aside to be with her. to teach her.. To give her what she deserves. Not with a nanny, but with someone who LOVES her! I did this because when I came into her life she just grasped onto me with everything he has.
2 and a half years go by. I love this child like she is my own. Wondering how a mother could just not want to deal with the stress, work, whatever it is to take the responsibility of taking care of her own child. And then has the balls almost 3 years later. She is not to think of you as a mother. She is to call the woman you love as a mother cupcake. Just because I spend my days with her and she chose not to be a stay at home mom. I am the bad one. I am taking over as a mother and she wants me to stop, but does not want to step in.
That is unacceptable. And the poor child said that really made her feel bad. this baby can feel the tension and the threats from her mother. oh The guilt. Who tries to make their 5 year old feel guilty!!!!
That child can call me whatever her heart desires NOT what her bio mom wants her to call me.. Whatever SHE wants. And that will certainly not be cupcake. .
Your jealousy is not going to get in between us. I am planning to stay a long, long time. I never intended to take your place bio mom. But, I also never intended to be in such a position to be a full time mommy. I know, and she know’s I’m not her bio mother, and as you tell her she came out of your vagina. Coming out of a woman’s vagina doesn’t necessarily make you a mom. You left and cheated on your marriage and went off to live with that man. And dragged your daughter and husband to another state to supposedly save your marriage was a ploy!! A well planned out LIE!! And you left when they got here. Moved in with your bf.
You opened the door for another woman to come into your ex husbands life and especially that little girls life. And boy,,,, from what I saw… She was so desperate for a mommy.
WE have been living as a family in our home for 2.5 years. You live with your new family and we have our own family in this house. This is our family now. And if you don’t like it. Then Too Bad for YOU!!!
If you feel jealous, or something is wrong , you are welcome to talk to me. Or a therapist, but DO not talk to a 5 year old child who doesn’t understand why mom hates mommy sharon. who has done nothing but be kind and fair and basically a 24-7 babysitter for you. You selfish person.
My husband and I have been an on again off again thing since our teenage years. We would get mad, have a cool off period, and be right back the way we were. Then during a cool off period… he decided to “hook up” with a girl, knocked her up, and I was left kinda like “What the !”#& just happened??” So we move on. They get married, have son. I date… go to college… eventually marry. I get divorced and take a second job to keep busy. My now husband starts coming thru the drive-thru every day just to talk to me, give me his number, ask me out… turns out he had been divorced for quite a while and was “keeping tabs on me” as he put it. Anywho. We started dating. Over the next year or so I got pushed into the role of take his son to football, pick up from school, watch him when I wasn’t working my two jobs or taking care of my terminally I’ll father, sometimes babysitting while I was taking care of my father. I spent so much time there that I eventually was kind of moved in, but kind of not, we were engaged, and I would sleep there if I was just too tired from everything to even drive back to my own home. This is when the “you’re not my mommy” rears its ugly head. I was not allowed to sleep in the dad’s bed. He hates me. He wishes I would die… (while I’m suffering enough watching my father die), and i start crying, and so… I go home to sleep in my bed, leaving child in care of his grandmother. Now this is the big moment that has really screwed everything for me….. I’m in my driveway getting out of the car, and the cop car pulls up with my fiance driving and his partner with him, and he gets out all stompin his feet like he is just the billy badass of the law enforcement and starts yelling at me that I will not treat his child this way. That his child will ALWAYS be number one to him, and that I may as well just get over it. Im not sure exactly what I was getting over at that point in time but exhaustion, but it starts the long line of “everything is my fault”. Now, I turn and tell him that if he isn’t even going to get the actual story of what went on, because at this point I really dont know what he is mad about, he can just haul his dang police cruiser right back off my property and not come back. So we dont talk… for two weeks….. and I find out im pregnant. So, he automatically thinks that we are just going to get married again. well okee dokee. He and his son move into my home because his mother wanted to live in his home, and more or less just pushed him and his son over on me. I refused and kept refusing to marry him. LIving together is one thing… marriage, been there done that… im eight months along and he pulls me in at the court house… i had paperwork to do… but when i turn around… there is the guy to marry us.. im lookin at my pregnant belly and I think… hey my daughter needs her father… who am I to deny her that. I do love him, and its been going pretty good so okay what the hay. We have now been married for four years. I have two daughters by my husband, the 4 year old and a 6 month old. And…. my step son. Now my husband has full custody, so step-son lives in my house. I am the bread-winner. I am putting my hubby thru school and supporting him, myself, my daughters, and my step-son. No help from his momma. She gets him on the weekends and takes him all the fun places that I can’t afford right now, so he comes home and reminds me that “I suck”, and he “hates it here”, and “we never do anything fun because we dont have enough money”. His mother puts him up to being mean to me, and he tells his grandma… who tells me in turn… all his mother is doing is making it harder on him and me. Now everything has gotten to where that anything the son is not happy about, well we better get a loan and make that better. We better go buy him this and that and pay for it somehow. But I bought a battery powered jeep on black friday for my daughter and had to take it back because it was too expensive. My husband makes sure to spend all kinds of “just me and him” time with the son, but never does ANYTHING with just either one of our daughters, or even just the two of them. If he plans on taking our older daughter somewhere young child oriented, say a petting zoo… well he cant leave the 13 year old out. he has to go to the petting zoo too. He comes back with 100 pics of the son, and maybe 2-3 of our daughter. I ask why? and I’m a B)#*$. He is tired of my @#)@. I dont do enough for the son. I dont take him enough places. (I take him places five days a week last time I checked.) This last time was I asked for him to spend some adult time with me. He has not taken me on a date since…. geez I cant even remember… but it was way before our youngest was born. I say “I’m lonely, I need a little interaction here” meaning ADULT Interations if you get my point…. and it turns into “you have got to spend more time with son… you need to take him somewhere…. maybe then you wont be lonely… and you make him feel bad because you dont love him like you do daughters”… and I snap and say “I’m sick of everything turning into something about son!!!!” I need to get laid that has nothing to do with son!!! Son has a mother who loves him like i do daughters and he makes it very clear that I dont rack up to his mom so quit expecting me to be her. I’m not his mother. She is the one he is with every other weekend. He is with me thru the week.” Husband turns back with, well we will just leave then. “You can have it all!!!” I can have what? I have paid all your bills… sold my stuff to pay for your ex-wifes fraudulent debts in your name… raised son buying his every need and pretty much every want, built him his own room in my house i inherited from my father that you have done nothing to pay for… i even bought your car… so what can i have???? You can have everything, the house the girls.. it all. Me and son will leave.
Ok my point is… OUR daughters are just as freakin important as son. And really… when I think about it… he gives me no time. He gives them no time. And obviously all three are in the runner-up positions when it comes to even receiving his love. Dont get me wrong… I do care for son… I support son… I feed son, I clothe son, son does not ever do without. I clap and cheer for son at every football game, even though his mother does not show. Even tho I hate football with every passion of my body and dont really even understand what is going on half of the time… I still make my butt go, and cheer… in the cold… because I CARE. It is IMPOSSIBLE for me to LOVE him like the babies that formed in my womb. It is IMPOSSIBLE for me to love step-son like these little girls that I nursed for months. The little kicks that kept me up all night. Those babies grew inside of me. I am their ONLY mother. If they don’t get mommy love from me… who will give it. Lord knows they don’t get equal amounts of daddy love, or grandma love, or grandpa love. Step-son is the priority. Now… if it were not a constant comparison to bio mother, it would be different. If I were to actually be able to adopt him, and be able to have a love from him that would equal that of a mother figure, to have him be MINE and nobody elses, then I would let my guards down and maybe try a little harder. But I feel constantly taken advantage of, stepped on, walked on… and ground up in the dirt. Nothing I do is good enough… and everything I lack in makes poor step-son not happy. I can’t punish or inforce rules…. because I’m not the bio mother and I do not have that right. And when I do take TV priviledges or something, step-son gets mad and wants to run off to mommy or mamaw, then daddy gets mad at me and threatens to leave. Well by cracky… this is my house, not hers, and if I’m doin the raisin, then I should at least get some dang respect. I have a tendency to treat the way I am treated is what I’m sayin’.
Giiiirl, you are going way above and beyond what you should be expected to do! It’s bad enough that SS came from a “hook up.” Then on top of that, you are the provider for everyone and are not even treated equal! You are right that it isn’t fair at all that your daughters are basically left behind–it sounds like your husband is overcompensating because he must feel guilty about his son. SS shouldn’t be the only priority when he has 2 other kids in the house!
My husband’s dad treats my SD so much better than the daughter my husband and I had together. So Grandpa will ignore my daughter when SD is in the same room. He feels the need to overcompensate because SD was the result of a casual “hook up” and now has a deadbeat mom with a criminal record. It always makes me feel bad that he doesn’t want to get to know my daughter but he is overly concerned about the daughter of a mental case felon (SD’s mom).
WOW you must be a strong person. I have a SS as well and you can tell my husband feels bad for his younger years when his mom left him because he definately overcompensates as well. My SS is such a good kid but my husband doesnt make him do any chores, waits on him every morning breakfast time, believes every word he says, he is one of those parents who thinks his child can do no wrong. He is 15. He should be helping out around the house but I can’t say anything. I nicely mentioned him doing chores the other day and my husband says he is sick of my rules and I am a *&^%$. I pay the bills, drive my SS around, put his meals on the table, whatever needs to be done but if I make one comment about raising him look out. So how am I supposed to not feel bitter and angry. Why should I do anything for my SS if that is how I am going to get treated. I can see how much my husband loves his son but seriously we do so much for him so why not help out and have responsibility. How is he ever going to learn anything if you baby him, doesnt mean he doesnt love him. It seems like such a basic thing and I got freaked at, is there something I am missing? Don’t know how much more I can take.
Its quite informative to read all the post on here. After years of not having contact with his kids, my partner is back in touch with them. He has 3kids. While I have never met or spoke to any of them, I wonder how this will affect our new life, should I be introduced or at least should they be made aware daddy is married. I want to start our family but so worried About this and even discussing with Hubby. Any tots? Also am beginning to feel somewhat insecure, the other day he spoke to them while in was in, it felt weird, it had always been just the two of us. His ex was even jorvial with him…..
Its so nice to know that I’m not an evil stepmother! BUT, my problems at home are just begining. I’m 11 weeks pregnant and stepmother to a 12 year old and 10 year old. Befor I came around the kids went from their dad’s to their grandparents, only seeing their mom once a year for one week. They worship their mom (even though in adult world she is an unfit mother). Now the kids spend most of their time with me, more so then anyone else. I’m learning these kids have never heard the word ‘no’ befor. Some days I just want to run out of the house and give up. I keep thinking these are not my kids why am i doing this, if they were mine they would know what a time out was!
So, the other day i was telling their father about some new simple rulse i had put in place for them that they had refused to follow. (simple like putting your dirty socks in the hamper, throwing juice box away when done). Anyway I began crying and he ask why i let it bother me so much and i told him befor even thinking of the words coming out “I dont want our child to turn out like them! I will never let my child behave the way they do! i cant stand to think my child will ever be like that!”
He got upset and yelled at me about how hard it was to be a single dad and he did the best he could. well of course i felt horrible for hurting him but I still dont want my kid to be like my stepkids. WHAT DO I DO?
Reading these comments has been such a relief.
On the weekend my husband talked about having his 2 kids spend more time with us, perhaps every second weekend and the thought just horrified me.
I feel terribly guilty for thinking it, but every time I see them its like seeing mini versions of his ex wife. Its really hard to get to love them for who they are when every second thing out of their mouth is a comment on how I do things differently to their mother.
I dont feel guilty for not loving them. It took awhile but I came to be ok with it. When people give me a horrified look for saying so, I point out that they have a mother to provide motherly love and thats not my role in their lives. Seems to placate people.
Awesome! I say every weekend that if I hear one more effing word about stepsons mother, i will scream! I get so mad when he pulls that noise of, “my mother let’s me do that” if I say no ball in the house or no jumping on the couch.
I dont care if I sound like a bitch when I demand that he not kick my dogs. I asked him (he is almost 8 n still in first grade, way to go biomom w/ a masters in education!) if he kicks his mother or schoolmates or his dog and he said no, I said well why is it you think it is ok to kick anything but a ball? Am I a bitch for refusing to allow him to kick my daughter or my dogs or me?
When I married my husband a year ago, he had his 2 girls every other weekend. I’ve known the kids longer than I’ve known my husband because my daughter goes to school with the oldest, my daughter is 14 and SD is 14. I’ve always liked the girls but the past month or so they have been over every weekend and everyday after school until 9 or 10 at night. It’s driving me completely nuts. The 11 yr old acts like she is 3 and I literally can’t stand to be around her any more. She whined and baby talks all the time. I can’t sit next to my husband or even talk to him when they are around, they interrupt every time we try to have a conversation. They don’t clean up after themselves either. I raised my daughter by myself up until now and my husband treats her great. I guess that’s why I feel so guilty for not liking his anymore. When his girls come over everyday I feel like in order to keep my sanity I have to isolate myself from them. I haven’t said anything to my husband because I don’t want to hurt him or make him upset. But i know i will and it won’t be good. I just keep telling myself they are his kids and he loves them. I wouldn’t want to come between them. I’m so confused but relieved that there ate other stepmoms that feel the same way. Thanks for letting me vent!!
Thank goodness for this article and the ongoing posts. Clearly a taboo topic but holds much truth.
I do not hold any love for my husbands child. She’s 11. I have recently had a child of my own and I am so protective of him. I don’t want my sd near him or even touching him.
My husband senses that I feel negatively about her. She’s just so frigging annoying and her nasty habits are excused by him and his family.
It makes me cringe when his family members state that my son looks like her. No!!! He looks like his father. Uggghhhh I hate when she comes over and I’m miserable the whole time she’s here.
I have no problem with my Hubby spending time with his daughter. I just don’t want to be included in their activities and it suits me just fine if he takes her and spends time with her at my mil. Or if they do their own thing while they are here.
I have no feelings for this kid.
I am hoping that once she starts highschool she becomes interested in other things and the 2 hour ride from her house to ours isn’t that appealing to her.
Nancy – I completely understand how you feel. I also hold no lover for my husbands child and a huge fear of mine is what you said in your posts. I dread and will hate the comments made by his family of our child looking like his son. It’s a creation that my husband adn I made and has nothing to do with his son. I do not have kids yet, but we are trying to start a family. I have such anxiety on not being a mother or all the responsibility that comes along with is, or giving birth. I have anxiety over his son interacting with our child when he’s around, me having to watch that, the comments his family members might make and especially the mother in law trying to make a family our of something that is never going to happen. I am around my husband’s son about 5 times a year. It’s enough for me and I dread every freakin moment of it. My mother in law plays a big role in those 5 times which tells me even more how much my husband could care less and I wish she would stay out of it. I keep praying that his 17 yr old joins the military as planned and will not be around when we start our family together. Don’t feel bad for the way you do. We all feel different ways.
I have been living with my step kids for about 4 years now and it was not until recently that I made it known that I do not like or love my step kids! My husband and his reaction was that he couldn’t be with a women that didn’t love his kids he said that if I really loved him I would love his kids I said that is BS I fell in love with him not his kids with all these kids put me through I do not see it ever happening . I have my own kids and he says I took the total package with you , but with men it’s different they can have step kids and love them as their own us women are not build that way. There was an article I read not sure where but it was an experiment on a cow or a lamb where they try to give the mom someone else’s babies and the animal knew it wasn’t “their own” and pushed them away from her , after I read that I was so relieved that I wasn’t evil as they make me seem to be “they” I mean by his family members . They want me to hug and kiss and be all lovey towards them , I’m like are they crazy. I found this website by googling “i hate my step kids is something wrong with me” though I really don’t hate them , I just want these years to rush by so they can hurry up and move out , but it seems like time has slowed down , on the other hand my kids will also be gone so it’s difficult.
I’m really glad you mentioned the difference between how men & women respond to step-parenting. I’ve often wondered why it seems like men have an easier time saying, “I love my step-kids like my own.” That’s very interesting the study you found about other mammals and it DOES make sense. Women have that so-called “maternal instinct” and it applies to the kids they have themselves. By the same token, I’m just as nice to my SD as I would be toward anyone else’s child who isn’t mine. I’m nice and friendly toward them but I have the hardest time truly bonding, connecting, and being all “lovey” towards them.
I’m so glad I came across this forum. I’m not the only one feeling this way about the SKs!
I don’t hate my SKs…I just don’t particularly like them. I’m not a monster. I’m kind, giving and polite to them, yet not afraid to step in and discipline when needed. The fact of the matter is, I don’t connect with them and truthfully, I don’t try nor even have the desire to bond with them.
Admittedly, it was very tough in the beginning, but ladies, it does get a bit better with time. It’s only been about a year since they came into my life, so it’s still early on for me. Maybe, after a few years, my feelings towards the SKs will be different.
I will keep you posted…
Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou! I hear what all of you say.
There are different loves though, aren’t there? I feel sexual love for my husband, platonic love for my closest friends, maternal love for my biokid (love this term and I’m introducing it all over Queensland) then the love I have for my stepson, 12.
From what I can gather, I have quite a close relationship with my stepson as I’ve known him since he was 5 and his father has allowed me to raise him as my own. Think this was one of the aspects which made him fall for me in that he thought I could instill much stronger moralistic and ethical attitudes than his biological mother.
What I grapple with is the lack of control I have over my stepson so have come to understand that it is not that I do not love him, but that I’m extremely challenged by the behaviours his mothers family holds. I’m talking about basic things about taking responsibility for your own actions, telling the truth, the weakness of jealousy, not blaming other people for what you yourself have caused etc etc.
I cannot control what happens outside my house so the only way to deal with this is by letting it go. Yes, it is very arduous explaining very very basic behavioural expectations such as loyalty, putting others first and the really big one, compassion. My biokid gives me very good leverage though, to instill these expectations and I can control what goes on in my house and I can set expectations about those behaviours in terms of his relationship with his much younger brother.
Don’t be so hard on yourselves – you actually do love your stepchildren though of course not in the same way as your biokid. Like me, you are probably disgusted by the behaviours your steppies learn when they are not with you.
Maybe set behavioural and emotional goals in your own home that are clear and say “this is what we do in this family”. Brings the steppies in because they feel as though they belong.
Yesterday was one of those days where I just did not like them. I wanted to throw them out the door and be done with them. They were being extra bratty, whiney and rude. They are young, so I can hear some people saying, cut them some slack, but I know kids their ages who are much better behaved (even on a bad day).
They’re not always easy to handle, and even my boyfriend has a trying time with his kids. My BF and I support each other and try to work as a team when dealing with brood. I have no bio-kids of my own, but have much experience with my nieces and nephews. I think he’s soft at times when handling their unruly behaviour. He is sometimes receptive to my ideas on how to handle the kids, and other times it falls on deaf ears. How do I handle that? I am by no means criticizing my BF’s approach; just think he could be a bit tougher on the kids. How can I possibly love these kids when I barely even like them? I’m not going to beat myself up for not feeling the love….It’s okay not to. I doubt I ever will at this point, but never say never. Stay tuned…
I feel so much better now that I know that I am not alone. I have been with my husband for 6yrs and married for 4years and I moved in with him after a year of our relationship. I went from raising one daughter to raising 4 and at that time they were all in their teens. They are all on there own as of today however I am still dealing with stepchildren drama. I thought that when they moved that things would be better however it is getting worse and when I say this I mean that my marriage is falling apart. One of the stepdaughters is disabled however not to a point of where she can’t fend for herself I mean she has her own family and home now but my husband still thinks that she is this 5 year old that can’t take care of herself. I am so irritated because he talks to her in baby talk on the phone and has demanded that she’s to stay at the house twice a week, every week with her baby, so that she could spend quality time with them. Yes I can understand the quality time spent however its my home to and I should have a right to say “no” once in awhile. He refuses to listen to my side and tells me I am mean and heartless if I don’t want his daughter at our house. I on the other hand had to deal with his other daughter that lives in another town on facebook and how she said that I don’t make them feel comfortable when they are there and I truly don’t see how they could say those things when I try my hardest to make them feel accepted in our home. I buy them things, we go camping and do other family gathering things together, yet they don’t appreciate any of this. I am the one that is always apologizing and trying to make amends and I am sick of it, totally tired and drained of it all. I really am at my wits end and don’t know what to do anymore my husband is always on there side and says I am mean and heartless when I refuse to have them over to our home. Sad and tired! : (
I am in this situation too. I don’t have a problem with my two stepsons, age 3 and 6, but I do have a problem with us not being able to get anything done on the weekends. They visit alternate full weekends and then they visit from Friday morning through Saturday noon on the “short” weekends. So they visit every weekend. We both work demanding jobs and are not able to do much just to manage our lives and maintain our home during the week. Date nights are few and far between. Frankly we are exhausted. I have two sons who live with us and they are 15 and 17 and do not require as much attention since they are older and have things to do themselves. My husband also has a 20 year old daughter from his first marriage and she lives in another state.
When I ask to change the schedule for a weekend or take a weekend off you’d think it was the end of the world. I don’t know if it’s a bigger problem for my husband or his exwife – who left him for another man and has the majority of her weekends off to do whatever she pleases. He keeps most of their communication to himself. My nephew’s high school graduation is coming up and I don’t know if my husband will be able to attend with me. I attend most of my sons’ weekend events alone. It feels very lonely at times.
Then to compound it, it infuriates me that it seems the exwife controls my schedule. We were together for a year and have been married three months. It didn’t seem like such an issue in the beginning but now as real life is setting in, it is a huge challenge that at times depresses the hell out of me.
How hard would it be to substitute Thursday nights for Friday nights on the short weekends. My husband’s work schedule would accommodate it. Then we would have a full weekend twice a month to do home projects, have dates, take weekend trips, or just relax. Am I a selfish bitch to want that?
Couples time is essential to a good marriage. Having time to yourself to do things is critical to your sanity. No, you are not a bitch for wanting either of those things, nor do I think an EOW with one night during the week arrangement is an outrageous request. In fact, it’s what most divorced parents do.
I feel all of your pain, my ss age 7.5 is the biggest brat! Biobeeeotch has no rules n he is loud at 6 am, (my daughter age 13 is sleeping n he wakes her up), he thinks he runs the free world n everything is his even if it belongs 2 her, DH or me, trashes my house every weekend, cries like a 2 yr old, tantrums all the time. I’m not allowed 2 say anything or put him in timeout or he tells his mom I’m mean, which I am not, if I could manage the behavior I would but then he’d be in timeout all the time! worst of all he HITS N KICKS my dtr n my 2 little Beagle n dachshund dogs. I’ve loved his father since the day we met and wanted to beat the sh*t out of his ignorant mother since I met his dad. Doesn’t make me evil to dislike his behavior, makes me human and a sensible mom both bio and step!
My problem is unique in that my stepdaughter is not a monster. Well, she is a pathological liar. She’s the type that will say “I’ll be there in 5 minutes” but she means 45 minutes. Or “Oh yeah, I was just gonna do that” when you ask her if she cleaned out her car. Yeah, right. But other than that she is generous, kind, never raises her voice, calm, neutral, etc etc. The thing about her that I resent the most is her attention seeking behavior. She stole so much from my kids over the years. She would try to steal their friends. At birthday parties for my daughters, she would somehow manage to lure all the kids into her room and I’d find my daughter alone on the couch and all the kids in my SD’s room! What??? My father was visiting from out of state recently and she somehow managed to get him to take time to come see him at her work. My beef about this is, my dad lives 3,000 miles away and was only in town for 6 days. Many of us wanted to spend time with him. But she feels that he should take time away from his family and go see her? My kids would never expect her grandmother to take time away from her to visit them. They understand the connection. My dad hadn’t spent hardly any time with my own kids because they had to work and this was a time frame that they would be available. The thing is she constantly does things like this. She is extremely needy and has horrible boundaries. Now that my kids are grown, I resent her because I feel like she caused me so much time away from my kids, focused on her shenanigans. I feel that she knew what she was doing and it was her extreme jealousy of my kids that caused her to be forever trying to steal the show. If I had understood this then, I would have called her on the carpet much sooner. I didn’t know how to handle it then. She still does stuff like this. She acts all calm and quiet but she is always plotting her next attention-seeking endeavor. I have a million examples. It’s an everyday obsession with her. I don’t really like her at all. It’s sad.
This is so scary! You sound just like me talking about my step daughter, but she’s only 5!!! Ahhh! The thing is, all around she is a sweet kid and she never means to bother anyone, but I want to say she can’t help herself… At least I hope she can’t. She lies about EVERYTHING! The scariest part is the part about your kids grandfather… My mom came last month when my daughter was born to help me out… She couldn’t even give me a hand when I needed her bc of my step daughter. I try really hard, but I’m at the point where I resent myself and I feel like I must be a sorry excuse for a woman bc I can’t stand her for longer than 5 minutes.
One more example. She barely passed high school. She wound up in community college, which she dropped out of. My kids were at the university. People would come over and ask my kids what they were majoring in. My kids hadn’t decided or were kind of vague “maybe become a teacher, not sure”. When they’d get to my SD, she would say her major was Marine Biology. Marine Biology! All heads would turn towards her and people would Ooohh and Aahhhh. She dropped out of junior college due to failing grades. She knew she was never going to be a marine biologist. But like I said, anything to outshine my kids.
That would really upset me…especially the part where she has carelessly taken so much away from your time with family! How upsetting that she deliberately sneaks in more time at the expense of others! I’m pretty sure that when my SD is a teen, she will do exactly the same. She is also a pathological liar and we have tried unsuccessfully for 3 years to teach her cause & effect, consequence, and even “natural consequences.” I’ve even read her books and Bible stories that show morals and how our actions impact others but every time, she just looks at me with a blank stare and says, “I don’t get it.” I truly believe she does NOT get it. She got home from school 2 hours late one day and talked my adult neighbor into bringing her to the door so she “wouldn’t get in trouble.” Another time, instead of coming home, she went straight to my next door neighbor’s house and told him she couldn’t get in her house because I had “locked all the doors on her.” It wasn’t until after he hobbled over on his crutches to ring my doorbell and tell me what she said, that I realized the extent of her lying to make us look horrible! Why in the world would she do such a thing?? So, she was AGAIN 2 hours late after school so my husband told her she could go straight to her room and not have dinner. She freaked out, opened the windows of her room so the neighbors could hear, and started screaming, “NO! Please don’t make me sleep outside!! I don’t deserve to sleep outside! Please help me!” I’m like WHAAAAT!??? The next time, she was 3 hours late and just casually walked through the door and said, “I know. No dinner for me, right?” We said, No it’s not that easy. She suddenly opened the front door so the neighbors could hear and screamed, “No!! Please don’t hurt me! Please just ground me for 3 months! That’s all I ask…just ground me for 3 months! I won’t do it again! Please!” It sounded horrible and I’m surprised the cops didn’t come! It’s all acting and lying and the most horrible form of deceit! So, we did ground her like she “wanted” but on the first day of being grounded, she opened her bedroom window and yelled outside, “Why?! What is this all about? What did I do to deserve this?!” My husband went in her room, calm, and ready to explain to her again that there are consequences for her actions and decisions. Sadly, his dream in life has always been to teach his own child about life. Before he could even open the door, she ran and barricaded it, still screaming, “Don’t hurt me! Don’t beat me up!” Because of that, I don’t believe it’s as simple as “attention-getting” behavior. She has his attention way too often! On top of all this, she has absolutely no compassion for others and I cannot teach her kindness. I’m convinced there is just no way to teach this child. I’m also convinced her biomom is to blame for her poor morals and late start in understanding social/family dynamics. She’s a convicted felon who uses and frauds everyone around her, including stealing $15,000 from an elderly woman. Unfortunately, she raised this child for the first 7 years.
This ppl are awful. Im married now with 3kids with me when I meet my husband . To this day my husband doesn’t really love nor care about my kids. He doesn’t help me financially. Everything is his version what’s mine is mine what yours is ours . I’m sick of these kind of ppl ( yes , I know what you guys thinking why not divorce him well.,we almost did but stupidly still play big roll in my life but learn to admit and accept. But I do know the kids learn to pay attention . Like I said my husband will regret it down the road when these kids are grown . He will be sorry that he didn’t give himself a chance to be a parent( he does have kids his own & I can’t have any kids anymore) I wish those step parents out there will act like a parent with no pretense . You know from the start your significant other have children